By Toby Lieder – veteran shadchan & dating coach
1. THE 5 DEAL BREAKERS
Reduce your list of requirements for your future spouse to 5 deal breakers. Before and after each date, check the list and use it as a reference point. You should share this list with those involved in your shidduchim to let them know what you are seeking. Whenever small nuisances play out in your relationship, remember the 5 core values that attracted you to them in the first place.
2. PROFILE AND REFERENCES
Your profile should look professional like you are applying for a job. Select your references carefully, and choose people that know you personally. Too many potential matches fall through due to poor references and, in some cases, from references working against them.
3. CYBER CLEANSE
Scrub your social media accounts, ensuring they portray you in the best light. Your social media is often the first point of reference when being vetted by a potential candidate.
4. TALKING PROFILE
Consider the idea of a talking profile. It enables people to see you in a different light. The talking profile captures your body language and expressions. Talk into a video sharing your name, your passion, your job, and the values you seek in a spouse. Successful engagements have been made because of this one-minute clip. I have seen singles change their minds after rejecting a profile and going on to get engaged.
5. MATCHMAKER
Always keep the matchmaker in the loop. Many potential matches, unfortunately, fall apart because the matchmaker was let go. The more involved the matchmaker is, the greater the benefits are, allowing the dating process to flow more smoothly and diplomatically. The matchmaker mediates, helping prevent miscommunications.
6. FEE
It’s important to understand and agree on the matchmaker’s fee prior to starting the process, so there are no misunderstandings down the line.
7. ACKNOWLEDGMENT
A man once asked for my PayPal after arranging a date for him, depositing $100 to acknowledge the hard work I put into helping him get a date. This was greatly appreciated. The matchmaker often works long unpaid hours as many suggestions don’t always work out. A box of chocolates or a simple thank you goes a long way.
8. LISTEN
Parents must pay serious attention and listen to what their child is telling them about what they want in a spouse. They should not decide based on what is good for them or their own experiences. If the child is mature enough to get married, they are old enough to choose what they want for their future spouse.
9. GENTLE REMINDERS
Every month send out a message to close friends and family that really care about you and your child, asking them to think of a suitable match.
10. BE OPEN-MINDED
Think outside the box. Allow yourself to reconsider dating someone who was previously suggested or perhaps you previously dated. I know of many successful matches that resulted from revisiting a previous suggestion that was once dismissed or redating someone at a different time.
11. RESEARCH
Just like purchasing a new cell phone, car, house, or laptop, we don’t just buy without extensive research to ensure that it meets all our requirements. How much more so with the person we will live with for the rest of our life.
12. BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
Don’t believe everything you hear when you get a negative report about your potential candidate for dating. Give them the benefit of the doubt and find out the truth. Go directly to the actual person involved and ask them questions.
13. TZEDAKAH AND PRAYER
Give extra Tzedakah, bearing in mind that this is in the merit of finding your match. Hashem is running the world precisely the way it is meant to be and will reveal his plan at the right time. It says if one prays for another person that which he himself needs, Hashem will answer their prayers.
14. MINDSET
It is important to approach your date with the right mindset and without preconceived ideas or expectations.
15. PRIORITIZE
Consider taking time off work to be rested for your upcoming date. This is one of the most significant decision-making times in your life. Be rested, calm and relaxed. Do not base your dates around personal commitments.
16. FIRST IMPRESSIONS
You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Take time to look polished, clean, and presentable. Dress in your finest clothes.
17. BE PUNCTUAL
If the pickup time was set to 7:00, both parties should be there and ready. It’s not just a matter of being on time; it’s a matter of showing reliability and trustworthiness. It’s your chance to make a good first impression.
18. WALK TO THE DOOR
When picking her up, walk all the way up to her doorstep and open the car door for her, if appropriate. It is a courteous gesture that says a lot more than sending a text saying “Here” or “Outside.”
19. CLEAN CAR
Make sure your is clean and car smells fresh. A messy or dirty car is a big turn-off. A girl wants to be assured that an effort was put in for this date.
20. STRUCTURING YOUR DATE
It is recommended to start a date earlier rather than later in the day. Keep dates to a maximum of 3-4 hours. This helps prevent burn-out and dating fatigue. Ideally, dating shouldn’t be done on consecutive nights to allow time to reflect and anticipate. It is also recommended to mix things up and go for a day date for the third date.
21. WHEN TO END THE DATE
2-3 hours into the date, ask her if she is ok or would like to go home. If the date is going well, ask what sort of activities she may enjoy for a future date.
22. FOOD
People like to feel nurtured and preparing food or snacks is a great way to show the other person that you care. For girls, this could mean preparing sandwiches for a day out. For guys, this can mean having snacks prepared for each date.
23. SILENT MODE
It is disrespectful to use your cellphone during a date. Put it on silent or airplane mode to ensure you aren’t disturbed and can be fully present.
24. GOOD MANNERS
Remember to open the door for the girl when entering a venue. The way you interact and speak to the doorman, waiter, Uber driver or bartender, will be closely monitored by your date. Remember to say please and thank you.
25. LISTEN
Listen more than you talk. Hear the other person out completely and show a real interest in them. Do not interrupt them with your opinions. Repeat back in your own words what you understood; it will make her acknowledged and respected. Don’t interrogate; focus on making them feel comfortable.
26. RAPPORT
There are many strategies to help build rapport with your partner early one. These include saying their name, showing genuine interest, and complimenting them. Some great topics to get started with are work, travel, and hobbies.
27. SAFETY / RETURN
If it’s getting late, remind her to check back at home that she’s ok. Upon returning, thank her for a nice time and don’t ask if they like to date again. When dropping the girl back home, always wait for her to go into her house before leaving. This will give her a sense of safety and security. Only drive away once she is inside.
28. TEXTING
Too many potential matches fall apart because of misinterpreting texts. Avoid any texting at all, especially during dating and engagement. Discuss this rule right from the start. The matchmaker will deliver urgent messages – that’s their job. If you have something important to convey, pick up the phone and call them.
29. THE SECOND DATE
Most people are nervous on the first date and find it hard to be confident and natural. Unless the first date was totally off-putting, it is highly recommended to go on a second date, particularly if one person traveled for the date.
30. LOSHON HORA
Too many potential dates are ruined because people speak ill of their dating experience. What we say may prevent someone from meeting their match so choose your words carefully if the shidduch falls through. It is recommended not to compare notes or details of your date with friends. It is honorable to treat the dates with privacy and respect.
Good luck!
How in the world does the potential fee worked out in advance relate to having a successful date?
Being upfront and transparent with fees / Shadchanus if it works out.. sounds reasonable
Yes, but that’s between the individual and the shadchan. It has nothing to do with successful dating as far as the two individuals are concerned. Should be part of a different article about how to properly deal with a shadchan.
Agreed
He is showing appreciation. If he does that to someone working for him, imagine how much he will appreciate his wife.I’ve been in different roles in shidduchim over the last 18 years. As a mother, as a shidduch group member, as a coach, as a researcher, and as a shadchan.
Any man that walked into my house for an interview with a gift became a wonderful husband. It is telling. They stood out. It wasn’t many.
Exactly
What the sugesstion was. In order to avoid disappointments and unexpected suprise fees of the shadchan when a couple gets engaged it is merely a sugesstion as I see it as a tip, that the shadchonis fee should be discussed and agreed before dating. It’s just another dating tip. What’s the big deal. This avoids confusion and a more peaceful outcome
Enough already.
its never enough so long theres a shiduch crisis
show a little care for others…
Really? You think theirs a shiduch crisis? The whole world is made up of millions of singles looking for their other potential half’s. You say bc 2 kids that don’t know each other and are not committing with in 2 weeks to spend their rest of days together then theirs a CRISIS????! That’s only part of why I say enough already. And believe me I’m one of the most qualified one to give my opinion on the angles situation.
Maybe you don’t know what’s it’s like to be struggling in Shidduchim – this article actually gives a lot of clarity and support to those of us who are in Shidduchim
Please think before you post a mindless comment
I’ve been in shudduchim for a while and I also think “enough already” every time i see ANOTHER article about shidduchim. I hate that frum people identify and value me by my marital status and am sick of hearing and reading about shidduchim EVERY SINGLE DAY.
But I understand that others, such as yourself, disagree with me and do enjoy these articles. please try to understand our side.
I will say, to her benefit, Toby Lieder does have wise advice to share.
I’m so sorry you feel this way about a constant barrage of shidduchim articles! I understand. It can be extremely boring or overdone for someone that doesn’t want to hear it any more. Perhaps from a place of pain etc. and expressing yourself is fine. But why so bitter? Isn’t more information more education? What bothers you so much? Why can’t an innocent sharing of tips to help enhance a shidduch dating experience bothering you enough to write about it? She’s only trying to help
The intention of the editor of this article was merely to give everyone a toolbox of small ideas that make a difference when using them. Like tools in a tool box. She is merely sharing tools that were used to enhance one’s dating experience and sharing the tools that worked. You can be nice and appreciate this and just select tools from her toolbox that you like and discard the others. Why do you have to nitpick and find fault in what someone was trying to share that may help!
So generous of you to share, amounting to a free consultation! Tizki L’Mitzvos, Mrs. Lieder!
Totally disagree with so many of theses
Maybe your ideas will help others
Can you name a few and why? Genuinely curious about other viewpoints.
Even if one tip helped another Yis it is not worth putting an article as such?
The whole point was to share ideas that may help. What’s the negativity for?
Thank you for sharing this. I would add 2 things: 1. being responsive to Shadchanim, it’s always easier to work with singles who are quickly in touch whether it’s a yes or no
2. Shadchanim to speak directly with singles (especially older singles) to remove the misunderstandings that often occur when there are too many people involved
100% agree. There’s tip #31. Please give your reply asap and do not take a week to respond if you want to continue dating or not! Same goes for research. Tip #32. When your sugessted a name. Don’t take a week or 2 to come back with your research results!! Please make it 24-48 hours max. It’s torture on the other side to have to wait a week or even 2 sometimes and get a no at the end! If we put it as a priority we can have our answers in a day or 2. Not weeks! That’s laziness… Read more »
I’ve personally worked with Mrs Lieder and happy to say that it was one of the best decisions I made – thank you for being there for singles and giving us direction and hope!
C.M
Nice to hear words of praise. Really
Thanks for Hakoros Hatov
We need more of that
Couldn’t agree more! Sadly ruins many potential Shidduchim bc of misinterpretation or misunderstandings 🙁
I thought we dont eat food on a date in chabad
What is wrong with being prepared with some snacks in your car when taking a girl out on a date? Offerring her a snack and or a drink goes a very long way. It shows her more than your conversations. She is (even subconsciously) noticing your mentchlichkiet. A girl needs to feel safe and secure above many other important virtues a guy has to offer. Here’s your chance to make her feel cared for.
Why are most of these rules teaching men how to be decent human beings? Are they so childish that they don’t know how to listen when someone speaks or must be reminded to be thoughtful in advance of a date? Why are men treated like children, or do they sadly need this much direction? It appears the real issue here is quite apparent
Yes many men have been infantilized by their mothers and are unable to fully function on a daily basis. This is a man you should avoid marrying in the first place because you will end up being his mother and not have a spouse
Men and Women are different. A man (whether is a Brain Surgeon , A Rabbi or a Plumber) is straight forward about dating. If he likes what he sees, likes what he hears, likes the yiddishkeit he is interested. Women ,on the other hand need much more info than that. She has a list, most of which is never written down.( I.E., all of his list plus, what kind of provider is he, what kind of father will he make, will he make all the decisions or will my intellect be respected?, will I get to lead my household? Will… Read more »
Only sometimes, Too many guys are working too hard on making a fine impression of them self, that they focus on how they appear to the girl talking all about themselves and their experiences. Forgetting that she too has what to share and they loose out shidduchim this way. It’s not a joke but this really happens. We need to remind the guys to listen to the other (by the way same visa versa) and really listen and acknowledge what the other is saying. I have been witness to too many potentially good shidduchim fall apart because one party didn’t… Read more »
Toby helped us so much through our dating process. Not only did she give us her time, she gave us her heart and dedication. You can tell she truly cared. I know I could have found my Bashert through anyone but I’m so grateful I found it through Toby. She really helped me be certain about what I wanted, and once I made the decision it was with my whole being. Her process is really unmatched.
Again, thank you Toby you forever changed our lives.
Yasher koiach for acknowledging and complimenting
It’s refreshing
Thank you
The fact that most of these “tips” are just basic decency that any young man should know — but lots of bochurim don’t — is concerning enough. Maybe let them function in society a little and they will learn these things? But scrubbing social media, not for possible employers, but to hide your true self from the person you will potentially marry and raise a family with, is a deeply disturbing suggestion. Yes people have to not be idiots about what they post since the internet is forever, but if you have to “scrub” your social media, maybe it’s your… Read more »
Social Media, Some of these accounts are many years old. I agree they should take off their older posts that don’t represent who he/she is today.
The idea of being aware of your social media is being aware of your first impression. Not about hiding who you are. It reflects them in some way, but not the full picture. When people see someone’s social media, they think they’re getting the full picture and can be turned off. When they’re on a date, they’re getting a more full picture, and then would understand where the social media is coming from with a broader understanding. Kind of like how a spouse might know awful stuff about you but s/he’s okay with it because s/he knows you by now.… Read more »
What I’m sure she meant about scrubbing social media was. (I clarified and confirmed it) Many singles have Facebook pages of party n fun from when they were 14! When someone starts scrolling back to years ago it is not healthy to make a judgement based on their youthful teenage years of fun n play. Some stuff there maybe so outdated. The sugesstion was to clean up social media that is possible to (google you can’t) so you can give the correct impression of who you are today. I personally know Shidduchim that wouldn’t get passed the consideration, because the… Read more »
If a man doesn’t already have an awareness of the majority of these “tips,” then he probably shouldn’t be allowed to date.
This was an innocent share to help singles be aware of mabe even one thing they didn’t know before that now resonates as an important awareness. What’s wrong to share 30 possible ideas that even one may benefit from even one small idea?
I hear what you’re saying, and these suggestions in the article might be obvious to a mature, experienced man or woman, but in the Chassidic world, people marry very young and then mature together which is really quite beautiful. These are helpful hints for young people who can’t help but still be unaware of many things. But they’re trying, and this article is offering to help them.
Why does a fully grown man need the same reminder I give to my little nieces and nephews? Get comfortable being single, ladies.
More than 50% of the time,Men are more nervous then Women. When Women reject a man , or the man rejects her, she processes by talking to her mother, sister, bubby, friend. There is an unwritten gift that woman have given to each other.Which is you can talk about your disappointment as many times as you need. In contrast , men come back from a date and have been rejected or he has rejected her , the pain he feels is all inside them. They hold on to all the disappointment. They don’t talk it out. There are 2 pains.… Read more »
We treat men like children and allow them to get away with the bare minimum. Women, don’t lower your standards or settle for basic common curtesy that is expected of every decent human being.
My boys were 14 when they started going away for Yeshiva. When they came home we kept them away from any interaction with girls. As our children became adults , it was clear that my daughters were relationship makers and my sons not. Women are natural at relationships, Men are not. There are a few exceptions.
Another example of lowering expectations for men. Men can’t get away with being “bad at relationships” just because they’re men. Being born a male isn’t a get out of jail free card. Men are just as accountable for their behavior and actions as women.
Did you send them away to Sem at 14? Did you keep them away from any form of male interaction when they came home? Did you bring them up with the expectation that things are just offered to them in life, or did they have to work for it? If you’re going to bring your children up in different environments, it’s not fair to compare them to each other.
You have to look at a person for who he IS not what he DOES. Nobody gave my husband some of these tips, so he didn’t know to do them. I decided to look past it and get to know him as a person, instead of being disgusted that these societal rules weren’t being kept. BH married such a kind and caring person. Men think differently than women and have different priorities and ways of interacting. It doesn’t mean he’s not a mench if he’s not keeping all the rules. You’re not giving him a chance for him, you’re doing… Read more »
A persons actions speak louder than their words, or in your case, their passivity. Maybe you don’t care if you’re spouse hears you and sees you and treats you with respect, but I highly recommend that these requirements are met for the rest of the population. If someone says they respect women and then don’t defend womens rights, they are not who they say they are. If someone says they keep kosher and then eat a cheese burger, they are not who they say they are. A person is what they do. Your actions define you. Actions speak louder than… Read more »
Being an excellent “dater” is quite different than and excellent husband. He might give YOU whatever you need and want once he gets to know YOU. The skills used for dating are barely used again. Maybe he did live in a rock, or maybe he lived in Israel, where it’s completely acceptable for a woman to hold her own door. My point is, if a guy for example drives away after dropping off a girl and didn’t get the memo to wait until she’s inside, he shouldn’t be written off. He might make the most caring husband but doesn’t know… Read more »
Being an excellent “dater” is quite different than and excellent husband. He might give YOU whatever you need and want once he gets to know YOU. The skills used for dating are barely used again. Maybe he did live in a rock, or maybe he lived in Israel, where it’s completely acceptable for a woman to hold her own door. My point is, if a guy for example drives away after dropping off a girl and didn’t get the memo to wait until she’s inside, he shouldn’t be written off. He might make the most caring husband but doesn’t know… Read more »
no one gave your husband the tip to say thank you and please? no one told him that it’s polite to hold the door? did he live under a rock before taking you out on a date?
Being an excellent “dater” is quite different than and excellent husband. He might give YOU whatever you need and want once he gets to know YOU. The skills used for dating are barely used again. Maybe he did live in a rock, or maybe he lived in Israel, where it’s completely acceptable for a woman to hold her own door. My point is, if a guy for example drives away after dropping off a girl and didn’t get the memo to wait until she’s inside, he shouldn’t be written off. He might make the most caring husband but doesn’t know… Read more »
Decent rapport is important however, it doesn’t seem appropriate or Tznius to me, for a single guy to compliment a single girl that he might not marry. Maybe on the last date after they decide to get engaged. Unless, it was already checked with a knowlegeable Mashpia/Rov, it seems appropriate to ask, how early on, can the first name be used.
I assume you’re in yeshivah. No woman wants to be called ‘Ms. XYZ’ on a date.
And although I’m older and married B”H, I would not have wanted any Bochur I was dating to call me by my first name on a date. I don’t think it was neccesary to call me by anything when I was dating. If Rabbonim think it’s fine, no problem.
Single girls, do not under any circumstances agree to marry a bochur who has never given you a compliment. He may be someone who will never compliment you later on either. If your interactions are so stilted that the idea of a first name or a compliment are too much familiarity, then the two of you have not developed a comfort level with each other. That is the most basic of levels to see if there’s a possibility of a relationship. Do not give the rest of your life to someone who won’t call you by your first name. You… Read more »
Resumes work like this: I dont need to send my whole life around when 90% of shatchanim have no intention of doing anything but just having someone else life story in their hands a d if they can use it for gossip, they will. All in the name of “just because we need them ” and we have no choice. Second: I barely was faced with a situation when a person who’s a friend or family freind for 30 years will offer – you need me as a reference, gladly. Most dont want to do it at all. And I’m… Read more »
If your in an age of dating and you don’t know simple things like these its really embarrassing, I don’t know if the yeshvah system failed you or your parents failed you but something needs to change, it’s demeaning for men to see an article like this but unfortunately I must agree that some men need to see this so proper conduct can be applied, I also want to point out that I’m assuming majority, if not this whole article is directed at men, but I think alot of it applies to woman also, (i.e social media accounts, rapport, listing,… Read more »
A lot of bochurim coming into the ‘scene’ are fresh out of yeshiva/semicha where there is hardly any interaction with anyone outside of their yeshivah friends. When these boys leave home at 14 years old and dive head first into an environment that does not promote menchlichkait, due to the fact that everyone is 14 year old boys! While collectively no one has outgrown that mindset because it’s hard and there is no incentive to do so. Shidduchim are not among topics talked about in zal, it’s sort of a blissful ignorance that is not addressed until its time to… Read more »
are boys actually not learning how to be kind and considerate people? but isn’t that the basis of all Judaism? How are they studying the Torah if they don’t first study the foundation of the Torah? And even if one was removed from all religious academia, one still picks up on all these “tips” just by walking outside their door
You’re right. They don’t have this issue as much in the Litvishe world, know why? Bec they teach Derech Eretz Kodmah l’Torah. Misnagdim stand up anytime someone with a bit of Talmud Chochom in them comes into the room .Lubavitchers don’t respect anyone but the Rebbe. I’ve been in both types of yeshivas & have had chabad rabbonim confirm to me as much.
I was lucky enough to attend Bais Yaakov and I could not believe the lack of derech eretz coming from the girls who attended BR
This is excellent!!! I sent it to members of my family. Each point is a good reminder for all of us involved.
You people really have to decide if you care about todays bochurim or not.
You can’t leave someone for dead and expect him to perfect later on in life
But it’s a real point
Most people couldn’t care about something till they need it and then they go looking for the best and complain that they can’t find it
And maybe men are just different and you will never fully grasp the way we work but most of them are much to caring for there own good they just can’t express it the way you want them to
Stop controlling start living
No texting during engagement? They’re about to get married!
Too many heartache and shidduchim falling apart because of misinterpretations of what he or she meant but it didn’t come across right!
I know of 3 different engagements that fell apart because they didn’t pick up the phone to tell eachother the message but rather texted and it came out all wrong and hurtful which led one thing to another. It’s sad
These days we have voicenotes & emojis aplenty. If the miscommunications via text are so severe then maybe these ppl never should’ve been engaged in the first place. And if they’re mature enough to BE engaged then they should have the maturity to make phone calls when necessary.
Also, dating 5x then getting emgaged after 8 weeks is more of a reason then texting. Maybe we should stop rushing the process & let things happen a bit more organically.
If something isn’t clear they should communicate and try to figure it out instead of breaking up. They’re ab to get married!
After dealing with various shadchanim over the past decade, I can assure you that there’s a gross overstatement on the amount of work put in, at least regarding the general public (sure they’ll put in the work for an extremely desired candidate w/ money, yichus, etc), but your regular joe? Forget about it after 2 or 3 declined suggestions. Maybe shadchanim can start growing thicker skin instead of giving up on people bec they decline suggestions too often (for whatever the reason is, declining multiple suggestions is allowed)…You can’t throw poo at the wall & then complain when candidates don’t… Read more »
1/2 the girls I dated didn’t want me to walk them to the car and open the door for them. Clarify with the shadchan beforehand if they have a preference.
Agreed. I was surprised by this tip. Myself and any girl i have spoken to thought it was unnecessary
I’m sure if your living on Montgomery and kingston. It won’t be expected if anyone to hold the car door open or walk her up to her doorstep!
We are only suggesting when the location permits itself ofcourse!
Practical common sense
And using their first name
Again, common sense- only when it feels comfortable to. Don’t do anything that you don’t feel sits right in your gut. It’s a mere sugesstion that using one’s name is a nice gesture. Don’t do it if you don’t want to.
If you were my son, I would tell you to do these things anyway. They’re the gentlemanly thing to do. We are thankfully decades past the time (in the 80’s as I recall) when women would get actively insulted by a man doing such things on their behalf. Everyone likes to be treated with respect. If you would do it for an elder, you can also do it for a woman you’re taking on a date.
Thank you for the article. Some good pointers however I believe that some of the advice given is misguidance. Doing things on a date to “look good” can be a form of deception. This can lead the potential partner to believe you are a certain way when you are not. I would go more with the natural way – the prospective partner can judge if this is something he/she can live with. Things like “opening the door” and “letting her do most of talking” – only do so if you can connect to those gestures otherwise this will lead to… Read more »
Why does it look deceiving if one learns how to be a mentch?
Why can’t the singles start practicing to act like a mentch and eventually they’ll be it?
Because this is dating, not “start practicing”
Except for technical purposes like sharing the address and time etc As a shadchan I have personally witnessed singles get entangled and even broken engagements, due to the misinterpretations and miscommunications from reading the others text message!! Texts are unemotional and very black n white! They cannot be fully read and understood the way the writer really intended it because of missing the body language and emotions! I say, please pick up the phone if there’s something you MUST say in a text! Texting has brought tons of singles into frustrated relationships that could have been avoidable if someone would… Read more »
Excellent advice, thank you!
My friends and I have had various experiences with different shadchanim. We have all agreed that our experience with Mrs Lieder has been very positive! She is both a shadchan and dating coach which is very rare. Her unique interview helped me find my bashert!