A Conversation I Overheard on Kingston

by: An Anonymous Bochur

On a walk down Kingston following an energizing shabbos that brimmed with Chassidishe farbrengen, I got stuck behind two girls and was privy to their conversation.

It was the awkward block between Carroll and Crown where you can’t overtake other people, and there are those potholes with trees inside, you all know what I mean – b’kitzur, I was stuck behind them.

Girl one was telling girl two about her Shabbos meal that day and how it started at 2 pm.

“That’s crazy late to start a meal. Why can’t men come home from shul earlier,” she said. “It’s so disrespectful to their wives,” was their conclusion.

I admit I have heard this complaint before. Due to the style of my Chabad house, I never saw my parents navigating this shabbos farbrengen situation, but I’ve heard from newly married friends about the complaints and seen the presence of married yungeleit* at a shabbos afternoon farbrengen dwindle.

*I understand things are different when you’re a father of a grown family, I am referring to yungeleit and fathers of 1 or 2 children specifically.

It is well known that the Alter Rebbe instructed Chabad shuls to be build with a Chabadnitzer, a room specifically for chassidim who wanted to daven baavodah.
Dor hashvii is nisht andersh – as a bochur I watched mashpiim daven baavodah and was encouraged and guided to do so myself.

Throughout the week, the clock is ticking, a man’s hands and mind are occupied. He has to provide for his family, involve himself in the world.
Shabbos is his time to rejuvenate and refocus through davening and farbrenging with his fellow chassidim.
This custom of Chabad Chassidim is generations old, 7 to be precise, beginning from when the Alter Rebbe made the choice to go to the Maggid of Mezritch.

Staying at a farbrengen on Shabbos afternoon is how it’s supposed to be. It is not disrespectful, farfrumpt or farchenyokt for a bochur or young man to do so.
A Chossid is meant to farbreng on shabbos, he is not meant to rush home right after davening and have a meal like the rest of the oilom does.

This is the derech of Chabad Chassidim and what gives us chayus, literal energy to continue carrying the burden of the week ahead, with all the narishkiet and gashmiyus it involves.

Its definitely a concern that when the time is right, and I am to get married, I will be expected to slowly let go and compromise on the things that keep me anchored above, and give me energy.

This is not an op-ed to bash the noshim tzidkoniyos in our midst. This is an op-ed to raise awareness and request acceptance of a Chassidishe Hanhogo.

So I say:

To the current wives of Lubavitch; allow your husband to stay an hour, an extra hour and a half, guilt free. So he can let his neshama have some “me” time, some Rebbe time. To gain inspiration, energy and chayus for the week ahead. So that the coming week will be a tefach hecher than the week before.

To the Seminary teachers; teach the future wives of Lubavitch to want a husband who acts so, and to respect and encourage it.

To the Principals: show girls where they can find Kiddush in the Siddur for Shabbos day, so they can make it themselves, and won’t go hungry waiting for their husbands.

To the Bochurim and yungeleit: take advantage of the time you have now to sit at a farbrengen, to marinate in and internalize the nigunim. Take advantage of how easy it is to be there, don’t waste the opportunity and your flexibility!

And to myself: I daven that I’ll find someone who will appreciate that this is how a chossid spends his shabbos. And for now, I’ll take advantage of the time I have.