A response to the op-ed “It’s Just One Date, They Keep Insisting“:
Very often, a single guy or girl will return from a first date and tell a relative or shadchan, “this doesn’t work for me” or “I’m not interested in continuing.”
Even so, with the support and urging from parents and shadchanim, they go for a second “courtesy” date.
This urging seems to be rooted in good intentions. People usually have mixed feelings after a first date. If that’s the case on both ends, then it’s a good idea to go out again. Even more so, if one or both of the sides are excited to go out again.
Of course, there are plenty of stories of a guy or girl being pushed to go on a second date despite initial hesitation and how they are now living happily ever after.
So the uncertain guy or girl doesn’t necessarily mind not continuing. Sure, preparing for a date is a hassle mentally, emotionally, and physically. This often includes taking off time from work, moving around your schedule, and in the bochur’s case, this can include traveling, renting a car, finding a place, and arranging all the technicalities.
They don’t complain much about this. These inconveniences are part of this stage in a young person’s life and we understand this, but there is no need to make someone go through all this bother and anxiety in the name of “courtesy.”
The problem is what is happening on the other side. And if I knew what they know, perhaps we wouldn’t be wasting each other’s time.
Say that it is only me who isn’t thrilled about the prospect. If the shadchan tells me that the other side is interested and it is just me who has hesitations, then it is worth giving it a second chance.
But what if the other side is definitely not interested? wouldn’t this be the perfect time to end things and move on?
No one wants to meet someone that doesn’t want to meet them. However well people behave, you can see if someone is interested or not. And you are not doing anyone favors by showing up.
No one wants to invest in a date that isn’t going anywhere, and don’t say “it won’t hurt” because that simply is not true.
Although nobody likes rejecting or getting rejected, it is much less painful and less stressful after a first date than after a second or third date.
So can the shadchanim be a little more precise with us? Did the other side say “I don’t think it’s going to work…” or “I’m sure this isn’t going to work!”
Great article but you are asking from shadchinim to be mentchin? Good luck. Me I say: I’m a grown adult and when I know it’s not going to work, I have the right to say, this is not for me. Even between 2 girls, a girl will know if it’s her “type” or not, by the first conversation. And if not, she has the right to move on. Why push it? We are grown women, not 5 year olds.
It all depends why ur saying no. If ur reasons are fundamentals to a marriage or not. It’s possible the date did go well as far as marriage is concerned. But it’s not what u ever thought u would like in looks, or character or other things like that.
You’re dating for the sake of marriage. And it depends what you define as marriage. For some people it’s a business partner, for others it’s a friendship. When you have a fundamental goal that you want to marry for a true everlasting bond: only you know you and only your gut instinct will always direct you if this person is right for you or not. If its not the right person, no human being has the right to impose on a person to marry someone who they dont want to marry, just because “their mind” told them to do so.
All parties involved are grown adults and can be trusted for the choices they make. You don’t get to decide what the fundamentals are for someone else.
שדכן = שקר דובר כסף נוטל
Lol haha that’s cute
Nebach,
I feel bad about the experiences that you had with shadchanim.
Shimshon once set up two young people. Both returned from the first date with no interest in continuing. Shimshon told each one that the other one was very excited about continuing. They got married and raised a beautiful family B”H. If you knew who they were, you would be amazed. But that was done by a master shadchan, and only once. Don’t try it at home… I agree that young people who really aren’t interested in continuing shouldn’t be pushed into another date, and another. If they have mixed feelings, a second date won’t hurt anyone. The main thing is… Read more »
When I was dating, the mashpia told me to always go on at least two dates. I thought it was strange advice. But after I got married, I thought back and realized that it was good advice. Let’s be realistic: some people have a hard time being themselves on the first date. They’re nervous. They’re shy. They’re not really like they were on the first date. My wife barely opened her mouth on the 1st date. She’s not actually like that in real life. (Married well over 10 years.) Give him/her a second chance — a real chance, not just… Read more »
I believe most times it’s worth giving it a second shot but only if your actually going in open minded not a “courtesy” shot
The Shadchan does his job and the single needs to do theirs
most shadchanim today are sadly doing it for business by usually offering people dates that dont really fit just so they can get them off their list as they say thats the first problem only then you get to the second issue that once they date once they will probably realize its not for them and make them go on a second date and sometimes although rarely push them to continue going out almost till they get engaged this a serious issue thats needs to be fixed and even just getting the word out about how this process usually goes… Read more »
The shadchan doesnt make anyone go out with anyone. The shadchan gives suggestions. Some suggestions may be better than others. You do your due diligence and ultimately you decide if you want to go out. No one is forcing you.
Yes a shadchan might be convincing and yes you might allow yourself to be convinced and give it a shot. But then that was your choice. Not the shadchan’s fault.
im sorry to tell but singles that want to get married the right way only go through shadchanim and sadly they themselves are only giving you offers based on their own interest not yours so its not like you have too much of a choice even though nobody is actually forcing you
There are no simple answers… one must use Seichel and good guidance to decide if a second date is or is not right for you. Both the Shadchanim ( if they are involved here) and the dating single must have an honest convo ( no pushing but accepting how a single feels to decide to go on a second date) Much Hatzlocha to our singles who deserve to find their life long spouse and the Shadchanim who mean well.May Hashem help this journey go smoothly for our families.
I went out one time with a girl. I wasn’t interested at all. She was a great girl, but not for me. I told the Shadchan, he harassed me to do a 2nd date, which I did. I said again I am not interested. I was in town for another day, so the Shadchan harassed me into a 3rd date, which (with pressure from my parents) I agreed to. I said very clearly after the 3rd date that I am not interested. Afterwards the emails began, that the girl thought it was going well, why did I lead her on,… Read more »
How is this a response? Why not get a Shadchan to respond? See how much “fun” it is to be on their end having to deal with all you brilliant people who are writing and commenting? You can all try to be a Shadchan if you don’t like the ones that there are out there and see how much fun it is to work for such ungrateful people like you all who only want help but don’t have the decency to be appreciative. But I figured you don’t want the job. Because most ungrateful kvetches are not people who want… Read more »
If you are going to help someone, you are meant to do it in a nice way, not in a way that shames them and makes them feel bad and hopeless. You are not meant to tell them that they will never get married, point out all their flaws, raise your voice, badmouth them, or take advantage of their vulnerability.
you are probably writing this because you feel like we are commenting about you so if you really think that this is an issue then try fixing it if not you can leave this field of work and try something that pays better because for this job you actually need people that care a lot about helping other people which you have many people in that category but you cant go and cry why people are complaining about shadchonim that feel that they are only doing this for a business
Shidduchim should not be someone’s business or wages. That’s the issue and that’s why so many push. And feelings get hurt. Because if a guy is pushes to date 2 or 3 times the girl thinks it’s going great and then she’s is hurt. And it goes the other way too. Guys invest in a girl they think it’s going well but really the Shadchan pushes. Until after the fourth date she has the strength to finally say enough. Everyone gets hurt this way. And it burns people out. Enough. These are adults and unless they are just uncertain- and… Read more »
Yes i agree. Dont bash either end. Everyone is trying theyre best. I didn’t start the process yet but im getting more and more scared with every comment lol
I’m so pained to read people talking negatively about shadchanim. BH we have shadchanim! Thank you to each and every one of you who takes this responsibility!! We need more people like you!! On behalf of all the rest of us out here, I’d like to publicly thank the Shadchan for trying to make people’s lives happy!! Your job/Shlichus brings immeasurable joy into people’s lives for generations!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! And as for the Shadchan who encouraged him/her to go on another date, maybe this time it didn’t work, but we all know of stories when it… Read more »
Not all the saccharin are the same. Some are nice and try to help even though that they have their own private life. It is time consuming. Some are less nice and do not have patience and could make the girl cry by telling her that she will never get marry because she refused a shiduch. We need to be sensitive about the persons concerned especially when it is an old single. This type of Shadchan with my respect should retired.
The worst is when a shadchan pushes for another date and you go on thinking this may work even if it’s just for courtesy…. Boys/girls have to be more vocal about their feelings – and if not interested.. to end it right there.. The problem is when people drag stuff on and call it off in the end.. it’s a waste of money and energy (especially for the bochur).. *It also hurts the feelings of the one interested.. the Rebbe writes to people with no kids – the reason is cuz they never asked forgiveness for the previous girl/boy they… Read more »
What we are told by the Shadchan matters very much to the continued dating. When I am told that the other person enjoyed the date, I reference back through the date imagining which parts he/she liked. When I hear that it didn’t go so well, I try to figure out if I said anything wrong or if I wasn’t sensitive enough.
So even when we do go on another date, it is so helpful if the Shadchan can be honest with us and tell the truth about the other person’s feeling’s.
I went out under massive pressure. After a few dates, I said no, because of the crazy pressure it was hard to deal its was just new to me A few months later, the girl I went out with got engaged to a very good friend. I realized I dropped her only because of the pressure. I wish that I didn’t get that pressure because I realize I would have not dropped it. since that time i went out with other girls and now i realize that its not easy to find a girl like that. its all hashgacha pratis… Read more »
Very similar story. I also was pressured I wasnt ready to go to shidduchim. i like to reflect and think and the shadchan didn’t let me breathe. So I just said no. I heard afterwards that the girl was upset. Fast forward, two years later. The girl got married to my relative and now I realize that I gave up on a special girl and I am still looking and I hope very soon to find someone similar So yes its very bad to pressure because sometimes people give in to pressure and sometimes people just stop everything to pressure… Read more »
Me after being married for almost 2 decades. Unfortunately I was pressured, and so was she (that I didn’t know) till after our marriage, And you know what? We still have ups and downs. One can never know. I can go on with many stories, that I have friends that led them to devorce. Etc. But I’m not here to go in to the Loshon Horah part….but when it comes to dating Loshon Horah must be mentioned, as it’s to protect your self’s. Bla Bla. Shadchonim (& Parents) please don’t pressure as it can leed to no good later on… Read more »