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Wednesday, 30 Nisan, 5784
  |  May 8, 2024

Dear Mommy and Tatty, You Tell Me…

From the COLlive inbox: A letter written to parents by a child, or perhaps through the eyes of a child, about how children are told one thing, but are often shown the very opposite of it. Full Story

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A bochur
February 21, 2023 8:42 pm

It’s true but not all parents do this baruch HaShem some parents know what to do
Moshiach now

I'm Probably The Only One To Realize This
Reply to  A bochur
February 21, 2023 9:41 pm

I don’t think most people can suspect this, so I’ll make everyone aware. It is my belief that this poem was not, in fact, written by a child.

it doesnt that
Reply to  I'm Probably The Only One To Realize This
February 21, 2023 11:27 pm

it says its a child or the eyes of a child…as in an op-ed about what a child might see

What?
Reply to  I'm Probably The Only One To Realize This
February 22, 2023 11:20 am

How can you say such a thing?
Are you accusing the author of lying ח”ו?

Wish I agreed
Reply to  A bochur
February 21, 2023 10:09 pm

Walk down the street , go to a library , Museum or pizza store. The parents are on their phones while the kids are staring into space ( if they don’t have a tablet!!)

many parents are BH not
Reply to  Wish I agreed
February 21, 2023 11:26 pm

and are actually interacting with their kids

Too few
Reply to  many parents are BH not
February 22, 2023 10:31 am

And it’s the yetzer horo of not wanting to miss something for the sake of the children themselves.

Parents.....
February 21, 2023 8:51 pm

Phones are addicting you got to be careful. Unfortunately the younger generation has no idea what it meant not to have cell phones. Especially when cell phones did not exist. I was there. Those days 50s 60s and 70s there were no dreams of cell phones. In the ’50s ’60s and ’70s if you were lucky enough there were only one or two (rich) people in the neighborhood who had a home phone. If you had an office there was an office phone. The only way how to communicate was with pay phone. Parents……. Watch what’s happening with kids and… Read more »

And then kids played outside
Reply to  Parents.....
February 22, 2023 12:27 am

Or with other kids, teens spoke to each other , people did mitzvos for the sake of doing them and we smiled for pictures ( we weren’t all models then and we definitely aren’t now but the poses and kissy faces!!)

Poses and Faces
Reply to  And then kids played outside
February 22, 2023 7:02 am

Yeah what’s with the goofy poses and faces anyhow?

Some of the poses/gestures supposedly have deeper meaning (and not for the better).

This is life.
February 21, 2023 8:52 pm

Sounds moving, sounds like this is a burning issue! Truth is, it’s not! Back in the day your grandmother would get on the phone and lock herself in her room for an hour to talk to her friends. She would also spend a half hour on the phone multiple times a day speaking to different people. New generation, new types of problems, but still the same issues.

True but…
Reply to  This is life.
February 21, 2023 9:40 pm

Now mommy is on the phone as she takes you to school , takes you off the bus , while your out with the family at a restaurant…. And poor child also has his driver and bus monitor and therapist and babysitter and grocery clerk and nearly everyone walking down the street with a phone looking down or talking to others to give him or her full , genuineness care and attention

Parenting
Reply to  True but…
February 22, 2023 10:37 am

And parenting wasn’t this all encompassing 24/7/365 thankless, endless job that drained you to the core.

Soceity (outside the frum world, but too bad on us, it crept in) has redefined parenting. It’s too much for most people and frankly no one is really benefiting.

Let kids be kids and parents can be there for them in a normal, healthy way. But these unreasonable, unrealistic, rediculous expectations which are nothing close to and often the very opposite are taking their toll on us.

Be happy it’s only our phones we are reaching for….

Your kids didn’t ask to be born
Reply to  Parenting
February 22, 2023 10:38 pm

If you have them you need to take good care of them.

It’s very hard for parents
February 21, 2023 8:52 pm

It’s very hard for parents
Give them a break
They work all day and when they get home they just want to catch up on what happened that day

Get home!
Reply to  It’s very hard for parents
February 21, 2023 9:41 pm

Do you see the bus stops ? Or the doctors office? Or the park ? Or walking down the street ? What about a parent on a “date” with their child ? Phone is at home ????? Please!!!!

Bus stops
Reply to  Get home!
February 22, 2023 10:38 am

Can you please mind your own business?
me and my child are waiting outside in the freezing cold and I’m looking at this dumb app to see where my child’s bus is, so he can get out of the cold.

What’s your excuse in the summer
Reply to  Bus stops
February 22, 2023 10:41 pm

And by the way… if he’s at eastern parkway and nostrand and you live Lefferts and Schenectady. You can look up for a minute and actually talk to your child.

Look at the reality
Reply to  It’s very hard for parents
February 21, 2023 10:11 pm

Just because they work all day doesn’t mean that they don’t have any responsibility towards their children.

Connection is the most vital thing for a child
Reply to  Look at the reality
February 21, 2023 11:19 pm

Our children need pure , undistracted care and attention. There is a difference between responding quickly to something and endless scrolling.

What about the kids
Reply to  It’s very hard for parents
February 22, 2023 12:30 am

They had a hard day at school , got bullied on the bus and has tons of homework. He gets off the bus to a half hug from mommy as she’s holding a phone and then he has so much to say …. But apparently there’s a world crisis on Facebook that mommy has to solve

Yes parenting is hard but it’s our job to show up and show up well for our kids.

So many
Reply to  What about the kids
February 22, 2023 10:26 am

So many of us want to do this! But as humans, we need some reassurance from the school/camps, Etc that if we unplug for several hours, it’s safe and we won’t miss anything important that would affect our children detrimentaly.

Many of these communications are expected to be acted upon in real time…

I know it’s an excuse, but it’s an excuse we would rather not have and believe it’s possible not to have, but need help from the institutions.

@the author
February 21, 2023 8:53 pm

Dear Author, While this is well written and does make some very valid points, there is something a bit unfair about all this. Many many a parent has been in a position that they resolved to put away their phones while they are with their children. (some people who have even told people that if you need to reach me in such and such hours, you can call my landline / home phone number). But….. The phone comes out shortly or not so shortly after four things that the children themselves either need or think they need; WhatsApp groups to… Read more »

Some have…
Reply to  @the author
February 21, 2023 9:46 pm

While it’s great to make such a resolution , if the other 22 hours of the day you are answering every message in real time , you need to reevaluate your relationship with your phone. A parent is more likely to leave their child in a car then their phone. That is the super sad reality of today.

Hmmm
Reply to  @the author
February 21, 2023 10:10 pm

I know some of those. They rest of the day they are non stop glued.

@the author
Reply to  Hmmm
February 21, 2023 10:26 pm

It comes out and then just stays out

Sooo
Reply to  @the author
February 22, 2023 11:13 am

Your phone is off from 5-6 but during their school play, when they get off the bus , when you take them for breakfast and you’re glued. You don’t have to feel bad….

that's great
Reply to  @the author
February 22, 2023 6:37 pm

if your using it to help your child, you’re not ignoring your child. good job. this article is not for you.

Yep
February 21, 2023 9:00 pm

So true.

Signed,
(parent on a phone)

Definitely
Reply to  Yep
February 22, 2023 11:23 am

So true.

Signed,
(A bochur on his phone)

Wow
February 21, 2023 9:06 pm

So inspiring to see and yet feel your pain How much mothers do things that they more loose then gain You are told one thing but feel it’s not true It’s not coming from their inner selves which should be given to you Entering in the grown up world its “I say and you do” Even if it’s not right but that’s what all growns up do Let’s hope and pray to Hashem when you get old You will not do what was done to you, but teach your children what you just told It’s easy to complain now But… Read more »

lol
February 21, 2023 9:17 pm

Scary, but too true.

Chances are...
February 21, 2023 9:18 pm

…You read this on a phone…

it's not just the time it takes
February 21, 2023 9:32 pm

but what you are watching

this applies to all relationships
February 21, 2023 9:33 pm

parent-child
teacher student
husband-wife
friends
grandparents-grandchildren etc

Yes!!
Reply to  this applies to all relationships
February 21, 2023 10:55 pm

My parents think that taking 400 pictures of my kids makes them a good bubby and Zaidy. I beg them to put away their phones and just play a game or read a book.

Stop the shame
February 21, 2023 9:46 pm

Every parent is trying the best and truly cares about the child

Please
Reply to  Stop the shame
February 21, 2023 10:28 pm

Parents should feel guilty. If best is staring at a phone while your child is talking. Or as the write writes on the phone as your child is sick in the drs office. Yes a Hatzalah member told me , he is horrified but what he sees. Kids in terrible pain while the parents are lost in cyber land.

True
Reply to  Please
February 21, 2023 11:44 pm

have you ever been texting on your phone something very important, but the people around you don’t, they think you’re addictive. parents don’t realize!!

Huge problem
Reply to  True
February 22, 2023 10:41 am

This is a huge problem with these devices! You could be doing total nonsense or something vitally important and to an outsider it looks exactly the same

True but
Reply to  Huge problem
February 24, 2023 12:27 am

So many are doing non sense. Every single person walking down the street , in a restaurant , in school at a funeral!!! Etc etc is on their phones. Most of us are not the president. Even people like Hatzalah are not staring at their phone They take the calls when they come in etc.

True but
Reply to  Huge problem
February 24, 2023 12:29 am

And more than that. Even if it’s important, timing is key. Most things can wait , even if it’s just a few minutes so your kids don’t think your phone is more important than them. Polls unfortunately show that kids will say their parents phone is the most important thing to them.

Stop the shame
Reply to  Please
February 22, 2023 12:03 am

The comment is lacking Ahavas Yisroel!!! “The parent should feel guilty.”
Why are you judging?? EVERY PARENT TRULY LOVES & CARES ABOUT THEIR CHILD. It’s better to be kind than to be right

What about THERAPISTS!!
February 21, 2023 9:52 pm

Why doesn’t the author mention them? They are all crying for enhanced rates and then my kids tell me they play on IPADs or watch videos while their “therapist “ is on their phone.

Please speak up!!!
Reply to  What about THERAPISTS!!
February 21, 2023 10:58 pm

They are supposed to be helping your children. Not harming them! And yes , there is nothing more important for a child than feeling cared for , validated , heard etc. When an adult is distracted especially when they are there solely to help the child, it’s truly sad and disheartening.

Unfortunately
Reply to  What about THERAPISTS!!
February 21, 2023 11:03 pm

Nearly everyone that gets these degrees now has some some easy , expedited program. So our kids “professionals” did a 5 minutes degree they are likely have no passion for ( it’s a great paying convenient hours job ) and now they can also play on their phones while getting top pay. Our children have come to think it’s normal for an adult to always be on their phone to even know to tell a parent or other trusted adult.

Yes this needs it's own article
Reply to  Unfortunately
February 22, 2023 12:24 am

Therapists and their big organizations making money off children,majority of whom don’t need the therapy and only got approved by exaggerating .

This does need its own article please write it
Reply to  Yes this needs it's own article
February 22, 2023 1:05 am

Most kids getting therapy don’t need it. Therapy became a great money maker at the expense of our kids. 1. Kids are taken out of important classes for PT in 8th grade ?!? Where at best they play some random game 2 . It disturbs the class when you knock , when the teacher stops to say what to do , or the whole structure of the class when you’re a push in therapist. 3. As you wrote , most did a quick program ,got hours they didn’t actually do signed off and…. Now they are the experts on OUR… Read more »

Yes this needs it's own article
Reply to  This does need its own article please write it
February 22, 2023 4:42 pm

Ive seen how therapists set my kids back because when children are treated and viewed a certain way that’s how they’ll think of themselves and when i cancelled their therapy whoch they only got because i exxagerated to the board of ed as inwas instructed to do, they suddenly started doing better socially and academically. And going even further, there are kids who weren’t approved to go to mainstream crown heights schools because the therapists evaluating the child entering pre1a convinced the schools the child needs to attend their special education school. Also too many people are diagnosed on the… Read more »

Yes!! Everyone has an excuse
February 21, 2023 9:54 pm

I’m a Shliach

It’s for business

I’ll win a free shaitel if I’m the 100th tagger on instagram

Chabad friendly
February 21, 2023 10:05 pm

This website, to me, has the refreshing aspect of portraying the proactive aspects of chabad news. It’s disappointing to see on this site what you would see, verbatim, on an average litfish site. The issue at hand is very important, and so is the issue of pictures by the Ohel, but the way to talk about it doesn’t need to sound bitter. Chassidus introduced to the world a beautiful and positive way to approach yiddishkeit which the world desperately needs.

Talk to your school and demand change !!
Reply to  Chabad friendly
February 21, 2023 10:52 pm

I tried to stall getting phones for my girls as the school suggested. But my girls just tell me that if the school feels that way their role models can do better. Every teacher is clutching a phone , wearing a phone as necklace or purse or it’s on the desk. They tell me a teacher gives out work and then is busy on her phone. Or the phone beeps and rings in class and often the teachers answer. Do we pay less tuition since staff is busy with their personal things????

The litvish..
Reply to  Chabad friendly
February 21, 2023 11:22 pm

Talk about content

This is saying …. Get off your phone. There are way better ways to spend your time , especially your time with your children. Go to a park and see how many kids are on swings trying to show Their parents how high ..while a parent is lost in phone space.

It’s the saddest thing!!
February 21, 2023 10:11 pm

We call it a phone but our kids and ourselves are busy watching videos , going from one social media platform to another , from one shopping site to another. What a waste of precious time.

Mazel tov!!
February 21, 2023 10:13 pm

It’s a baby. We will soon hand it a tablet while we post cute pictures and sweet birthday messages to it and play on our phones for the next 120 years. And they lived happily ever after.

Phones are a huge issue
February 21, 2023 10:25 pm

Phones can very addicting especially in our day in age.Our job is to learn how to use them properly because their not going away.Paretns have the responsibility of their children so if you chose to give them a phone then filter it and teach them how to use is.

We’re all trying
February 21, 2023 10:28 pm

We are all trying our best

The rebbe said no TV!
February 21, 2023 10:30 pm

But we brought it into our homes , our schools , our Shuls, school buses , and our streets. It’s just a much smaller screen and waaaaaaayyyyy more channels.

Too exaggerate imo
February 21, 2023 10:55 pm

Nowadays things are made in a way that almost ALL what you need to do involves one. But yes, some things on it ARE MADE in the purpose of being addicitng. But have in mind the time saved from the convenience it, and think of it to do too, for using it for whats really important.

A lot has been talked on the topic, so to be short: we need to be focused during using phone and after for what “the calling” at the specific time is.

Time saved ?
Reply to  Too exaggerate imo
February 21, 2023 11:24 pm

How many people can relate …You go to your phone to take care of one thing … you look up 2 hours later….

Yes there is plenty of good a phone can do. Just in the right time and place.

What you mean
Reply to  Time saved ?
February 22, 2023 1:54 am

Yes! Time saved think of all the things you can get done with a phone, email , taxi, food delivery, shopping groceries, Bills, expenses appointments, pictures and documents and the list continues.
Now, we are suppossed to virtually and technicly more time. Are we making the best of that extra time?

Getting distracted 2 hours?Happens to the best of us. This exactly why i wrote that me have to maintain the focus. Even in a time when a lot of technology (specially on the “social media” area-collive included) make a real point of making it more addictive than ever.

Serving
February 21, 2023 11:11 pm

Are we serving our phones or are our phones serving us?
Avoda Zara Mamash.

Best best best article by col ever!!!
February 21, 2023 11:25 pm

This may sound like an oxymoron …. Please share this to your school administrators, your therapy providers , babysitters, or anyone that needs to hear this ( everyone !!) , if they are looking at their phones , this is an important thing for them to read.

So many people complain about their parents
February 21, 2023 11:50 pm

But I don’t think their own kids know what color their parents eyes are ( hence they are always looking down at their phones )

What about our chassidishe yunger man!!!
February 21, 2023 11:56 pm

They walk down the street with wires , ear pods, watching videos. I need to say shehechiyanu if I see someone holding a Sefer. Menahalim , mechanchim , tzivos Hashem staff , let’s please be true role models for our children. Let them see us holding a Sefer , learning from a Sefer , or that we have 2 hands free to welcome them or another yid.

So sad reading this
February 22, 2023 12:07 am

My phone started as something fun, then an escape, now it’s my reflex and an addiction. I often don’t want to go on. But find my self on simply scrolling and killing time. Cellphone addiction is a real thing, and yes time is going by as I get sucked glued to my phone. I do like this article as guilt is good, if it causes reflection for one to want to break out of it. It’s also very hard as there is so much excuses about phones being needed for work, which is true. But makes the hackata harder since… Read more »

Wife of a husband who loves his phone
February 22, 2023 12:15 am

What my kids and me would do for my husband to put away his phone …
There’s a famous cartoon of a boy asking his father what people pay him for his time. When the father asks why , the son responds that he wants to pay that amount to get his fathers time. There is no money , no toy, no gadget that can replace the need of human connection and there is no greater one than parent and child.

Talking of mental health
February 22, 2023 12:18 am

“The parent-child connection is the most
powerful mental health intervention
known to mankind,” says trauma-specialist
and best-selling author, Dr Bessel van der
Kolk.

Mind boggling
February 22, 2023 12:35 am

When I get to my phone after bedtime. My phone absolutely does not enter my childrens bedrooms , bedtime is sacred and I love having that special time with each kid. I’ll see a post written on a class chat from 5 pm and I’m mind blown how many mothers responded before 5;01!!! It’s not only about putting your phone away for an hour , it’s about understanding when are sacred times , not everything needs to be responded to in real time ( or ever); being busy with good things to even remember to check your phone.

Baffled
February 22, 2023 12:54 am

I went to do a project in my daughters school
And staff were walking around on video calls.

Don’t usually comment
February 22, 2023 6:55 am

But for once take the author as someone who cares! Don’t need your reasons and excuses . This is for everyone -most have FOMO to see everyones made up life! Life isn’t perfect but it’s beautiful — Your children need you-it’s not about the picture that you will most likely not develop. Take the message and say I’ll try to cut down Raising a family is self sacrifice (a little) and bh you will be blessed with overflowing nachas even if some obstacles along the way! Your kids need you -need to know you care -need to see your eyes… Read more »

You can put your phone down for a minute
February 22, 2023 8:14 am

Everyone is addicted to their phones nowadays, but you can’t put it down when your kids are around??? At least look at them when they talk to you.

Clearly not written by a child
February 22, 2023 9:20 am

When will collive stop falling for the same propaganda mainstream media does where everything is click bait?
It’s a poem by an adult through the lens of a child.
Thanks,
Moshe A.

Collive it is time you did better:
February 22, 2023 9:28 am

Stop posting anonymous articles.
Stop allowing anonymous comments.
Stop sharing news pieces with half truths.
Stop trying to control the narrative.

People need to start taking responsibility for what they type up behind the screen.

We the people need transparency.
We the people need real leadership.

Real leader are not answerable to those with the money or with the religious influence.

Collive is becoming responsible in part for a toxic and unhealthy space. There are real world consequences to this.

Change is coming. If you don’t embrace you will be left behind.

Sincerely,
Moshe Angyalfi

Agreed.
Reply to  Collive it is time you did better:
February 22, 2023 2:27 pm

I agree

Exactly this
Reply to  Collive it is time you did better:
February 22, 2023 2:55 pm

Agree

They post important issues
Reply to  Collive it is time you did better:
February 22, 2023 10:12 pm

But what does the name matter of the one who pierces our hearts with the truth? We are surely all guilty of this. If not all, most of us. Because of this article, this reminder of what I already know, I will take action on myself, and just be one-on-one with those I love. Heaven forbid, we raise children who don’t know what true, one-on-one, UNDIVIDED attention is to pass it on to their children. I want to be a good mother, spouse, relative, friend, etc. and it’s really not possible with a phone in my face. There is a… Read more »

???
Reply to  Collive it is time you did better:
February 24, 2023 11:15 am

why are people getting so angry? if you’re innocent in this problem then you shouldn’t be offended, you should realize the truth in it for others. most people who care what others think of them even though its not true are the people who post on WhatsApp status, Facebook, etc and check every few hours how many likes they have.

In heart parents care …
February 22, 2023 9:36 am

In reality as the writer and many commentators shared. Go to any production ,siddur party , Simcha , or store and see what parents are doing …. I’ll tell you most or none are not fully present. Why does your phone need to be on the table as you make a craft with your preschooler ? Learn at Avos ubanim or any time. Keep it to the side and take care of things in the right time and place.

Can one school lead the way?
February 22, 2023 10:30 am

Can one school lead the way and make a commitment to parents that they will work towards supporting a lifestyle which isn’t constantly plugged in/online/always receiving alerts.

Understood, it is a journey. But is it a journey that a mosad chinuch is willing to raise its hand and say it is willing to embark upon?

Yes!!!!!
Reply to  Can one school lead the way?
February 22, 2023 10:52 pm

Thank you for this !! Unfortunately, since school administrators are attached to their phones as well, they prefer to look away. Our children need healthy role models, they should NEVER be around a distracted adult in school and yes schools needs to figure our healthier communication methods.

Ignore messages
February 22, 2023 11:28 am

Even if you have blue checks on you can ignore people. You dont have to respond straight away. In the age of letters it could be weeks before you got a response. Just push it off until your kids are asleep.

Exactly
Reply to  Ignore messages
February 22, 2023 4:31 pm

I respect people that respect their own and their families or student etc time. Most things are not urgent. If we took a real look at what we are spending time on and responding to, we can all cut back. The people I know busiest with good things are on their phones the least.

Honestly
February 22, 2023 12:32 pm

Can I be totally honest about something I’m
Kinda ashamed about.

I’m somewhat addicted to the click bate style articles on COL — I like the comments, even when they trigger me or maybe bec they trigger me.

In short to read it is to feed it and this site certainly feeds my base fears and worst self.

Just sayin’

Sad
February 22, 2023 12:40 pm

Such a sad reality.

Lock your phones away for some time.
BE with your kids, spouse, friends, etc.

one point
February 22, 2023 6:34 pm

for those that may claim they need to take care of business, make money etc. i just have a tip, make sure to make enough money to cover all the therapy your kids with need when they get older because you’re not raising them emotionally.

Exactly!!!!
Reply to  one point
February 22, 2023 8:14 pm

As someone who commented wrote. We can always try and justify it. The author is trying to saving you thousands in therapy. In 10 years every young adult is going to be telling their therapist ( likely over zoom) about his parents caring more about his phone than him and that when he cried at one years old his mother handed him a tablet and went back to her device.

Grammar
February 22, 2023 9:44 pm

Many of the comments used the word addicting, the correct word is addictive. The meaning is the same, but the words differ in that ‘addictive’ is educated and ‘addicting’ is not.

Just curios...
February 22, 2023 10:01 pm

Is everyone commenting and critising other people, doing it from their phone?

A phone can be used for amazing things
Reply to  Just curios...
February 22, 2023 10:55 pm

We need them to plan hakel events, farbrengens , call a loved one etc. Just in the right time and place. And if you need that scrolling time , wait until after bedtime ( but be mindful of your marriage as well). Though the amount of time people waste is horrifying.

Bumping in
February 22, 2023 10:57 pm

Does anyone else go crazy that people
Are so engrossed they literally walk into you , or into the street without looking. We have lost so much on phones and one vital thing is basic decency and manners. I’m pouring my heart out to someone and a ring or ding and they are no longer with me.

Attention COL
February 22, 2023 11:10 pm

Please repost this every few months forever…. It’s literally pekuach nefesh for our kids.

Does anyone see the col feed
February 23, 2023 11:08 am

Tragedy after tragedy , and you’re complaining about spending undistracted time with your kids. You live once and it seems people prefer to spend their precious time on a phone.

parents
February 24, 2023 11:18 am

i can say for myself, that i see no point going home to my family for any day besides shabbos and yom tov, because everyone is just glued to their phones, and i have nothing to do their with them. if yparents want their children to visit, make it worth it for them

X