By anonymous
The Rebbe’s army of Shluchim is the greatest worldwide force, and being a part of it is the greatest honor. But what about when it doesn’t work out? The war in Ukraine is one example of Shluchim being forced to leave, but there are other situations and different reasons.
Knowing a few such cases, I can tell you that it is a very painful experience for them. They have a searing, heart-heavy pain of having their life’s dream shattered and maybe feeling like a failure. They and their children are left to figure out their new identity – and they mostly do it on their own.
You might hear rumors about how it happened or why it happened, but that isn’t relevant to you. If they joined your Lubavitcher community, they are in pain, and you should be helping them as a fellow Chossid.
(This isn’t to say that a new member of your community doesn’t deserve a warm welcome. Only that this case where extra care and sensitivity are needed.)
So here’s how you can help:
1. Host their kids for playdates.
The parents have a lot to figure out at this time and life can feel on edge for them. Getting the kids out would allow them to research and plan the next steps, so they can eventually present it to their children with confidence and certainty.
2. Make them a meal.
As they move out of town, or when they move into a new town, send them a supper, arrange them a meal, do anything to help them gain a footing as they try to get their life together. Help prevent “hangry” kids and parents during a massive life change.
3. Be a friend (and not a nosy one).
Call and say hello, write a text, send a letter – whether they are leaving in a few months, or already left ages ago. Stay in touch. Let them know they are or will be missed, their children are missed, their programs and hard work are missed, etc. Please don’t initiate a conversation about the cause of their leave or fish for information about it.
4. Set up their house.
There is no organization that helps you set up a new home, especially post Shlichus. Check if there is something needed. The expenses of moving cross country are very large, and not everything can make it from one home to the next. Think of them as a new couple that is settling in their first home. You can purchase something new, take them to a Gemach or just help them schlep.
5. Send a small gift.
It’s amazing how much a simple Amazon delivery can brighten someone’s day. Whether for the parents or child, knowing that they are being thought of and loved is empowering and uplifting. A small gift can make a big difference.
6. Financial assistance.
Starting all over in a new community – without having been given enough time to plan and prepare – can be financially draining. Offering to cover basic expenses or sending a financial gift can greatly ease the financial strain. From assistance with camp and school tuition, to simply funding new backpacks for the kids, every bit helps and it can be done directly or indirectly (Matan B’sayser).
7. Recommend resources.
If you live in their new city or are in the know, offer information on how to navigate local healthcare, government assistance, etc. Let them know about programs, events, and organizations that are available.
8. Reference and Refer.
Offer to be a reference for their new job, housing, or children’s school. If you hear of a concrete open position, suggest it. Taking a few minutes to write a short reference letter is not only helpful, but your words are a massive ego boost to someone who may feel anything but empowered.
Together, may we all fulfill our unique life’s Shlichus wherever we are found with true Ahavas Yisroel and hatzlacha for all.
What a time- sensitive, caring, thoughtful article.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Another thing to help with is finding a Job / education. Many Shluchim have only known positions of leadership. Helping guide them to find a new position that is respectable would go a long way too.
I was forced to leave Shlichus after 5 years of hard work. No, it was not a fight with the head shliach or anything like that… It was a medical issue that couldn’t be handled in my place of shlichus. This article’s points are all spot on plus much more that wasn’t mentioned… Now, ten years after I left I am still struggling both emotionally and practically. In the beginning I was constantly belittled for leaving shlichis by people who never went to begin with. Perhaps because I refused to share the reason? I felt it was none of anyones… Read more »
Having been in this situation, I don’t know why you would assume everyone is in pain. We made a difficult decision to start a new chapter. It was a simcha for us.
The things you mention are nice to do for anyone moving to a new community.
It also doesn’t help with the core issue of the difficult and perhaps painful decision to leave shlichus. Random strangers can’t really help with that.
100%
For many, ourselves included it’s a huge relief.
It’s actually a bigger pity on the ones who like us should have left but are still there……
It’s weird when you go through something
And people assume you’re in pain
And even if you are in pain, it’s weird when people write articles about how to help you
I know people mean well, but there’s a fine line between empathy & trying to help … and pity
I’ve commented about this on other articles
Pity is not pleasant to receive, granted. But if I had to choose which way the scales should tip, I’d take pity over indifference any day. They will see that their pity is unwarranted as soon as you are back on your feet. And *no one* will express any pity in the first place if they see you firmly on your feet to begin with.
The indifference on the other hand..
Being forced to leave one’s place of Shlichus is a loss to grieve. It’s the death of a dream, one I personally mourn even decades later
Very good article. Many who come back from Shluchim are also not trained for a job other than shlichus and need support in this regard – going to (trade) school, apprenticeship and/or seed money to start a business.
If I’m not nosy yet want to help where can I find out who so I can assist? Many people in CH where I live go about their lives and are NOT nosy in in everyone’s business. I get it though, this is sensitive. Let’s help these people with jobs, feeling welcome etc.
You expressed it wonderfully! On a side note: why do we have to teach the basic manners and decency amongst our own brethren in chabad? It’s such a obvious thing and yet to even write this article is so disappointing. Examples: a yellow yid who needs a job, suggest.
A shidduch, suggest.
Recommendation or reference for school or camp, offer.
Shliach, help out etc….
Why does it even have to be said? Are we chassidim or what? Are we thinking too much about ourselves that we cant afford to think about our own brethren because it’s not “our problem”?!
Doesn’t this apply for anyone moving to a new city?
Even more so, if a shliach has issues etc etc like says here, imagine someone that is not a shliach (officially, right?) That people dont know them etc etc, how much more so need more help etc
I Agree totally that this is for everyone moving!!!
Can be even harder reasons..
Let’s just be kind to everyone!!
As a shliach who went through the trauma of a shattered life dream of shlichus and needed to relocate and start afresh, I wish there was a support group for this ever-growing reality. Ideally, Merkos could provide a therapist who specializes in this area – perhaps someone who himself was once a shliach and understands what we are going through.
I think there is some one in florida who helps former shluchim with this
Support is vitally important!
This resonates with me. I was on shlichus and my spouse left frumkeit. We divorced. It was a super difficult time. While I had tremendous support to continue on shlichus from my regional head shluchim, I felt a lot of pressure from Merkos in NY to step down. Finally due to various factors I did step down, got remarried, and immediately got a job in chinuch, b”H. But when the school I was working for closed, I was jobless for a few years. It was super difficult. The Aibeshter came through in the most miraculous of ways, b”H.
I read your article and couldn’t believe it.
Let’s get something going.
For those in crown heights, email mlubavitch@gmail.com
When your older kids didn’t go to school in ch, you need to learn the ropes from scratch when it comes to putting your younger children through the local chinuch.
As older parents, we count on leveraging our experience with our older kids to our advantage. It’s challenging to start everything from scratch; doctors, dentists, preschools, schools etc.
This comment is not meant for everyone as it is BH not an issue across the board. There are sometimes shluchim who unfortunately (and contrary to everything they are supposed to believe in as shluchim of the Rebbe) feel that they are better than those who did not go out on official shlichus. Without taking away the unbelievable work of shluchim, this type of outlook is both not the way a shliach should think and also does not take into account the tremendous shlichus that many do in their own lives even if not on official shluchus, through business, work,… Read more »
We never know what will happen in our lives. what goes around comes around so they shouldn’t go on their high horse today, for they dont know what tomorrow will bring.
But as I get older I realize this is not the case. Not all shluchim are super successful with huge buildings etc and many just struggle quietly to get through their day or week. I know many shluchim who aren’t arrogant at all and live quiet humble lives.
OK some are card carrying and others aren’t, that doesnt mean much. But if I can help let me know. 7069623222
This article is framed as a pity party. We loved Shluchus and also loving our next chapter. Why is Shlichus forever… sometimes it’s for the good of the mission to have fresh blood, young energy. Why put such pressure on ourselves… mission over the man.
Great point! You can celebrate your years of service and still move on to another opportunity geographically, professionally and personally.
I know shluchim who received a grant from yadlshliach.com