By a bochur
It was encouraging to read the op-ed this week about the urgent need for suicide awareness and prevention of this tragedy – especially among younger people.
I read through the comments written on COLlive.com and I felt that a point that was missing is discussing the root cause of this issue. While many of the adults are asking, “Where did we go wrong?” I will attempt to present a certain angle that from my viewpoint may not be a direct cause of these tragic events, but is definitely something that contributes to the feelings of despair many young people feel.
The Rebbe’s approach to things was always to get to the root of the problem, so it only makes sense to start with the facts: Too many of our children aren’t happy with the lives they were brought up with, too many aren’t happy in School/Yeshiva and don’t have a feeling for Yiddishkeit. The question is why? Where did we go wrong?
So in my own personal life and from speaking to many of my friends who have had their own share of challenges, I’ve come to notice that many of these children grew up in one of two kinds of homes.
(Note: I am by no means saying that this is the case for everyone. Each person has their own story and their own free will so there is no “formula” for what causes any type of behavior. And I don’t claim to have all the answers, but as a regular bochur, I do bring the perspective of myself and my friends.)
1. The more “Relaxed/Chilled” home: Where the children attend the regular Chabad schools, and are raised by loving parents who want the best for them. Although they are part of the mainstream community, they watch movies/television and have unfiltered internet. Shabbos table discussions are usually about current events. There are rules and standards, but the parents want to lead a more open-style household, while still having expectations for how they want their kids to behave.
2. The more traditional Chassidisher home: Where there is no internet or movies and TV shows and no outside influences. The children are raised with rules by loving parents who want the best for them and have expectations for how they should behave.
Both these kids go to the same school and learn in the same class, they both have their groups of friends and all in all they are happy.
Now, although they come from completely different style homes, when they reach High school/Yeshiva age they suffer from the same problem: they aren’t interested in yiddishkeit.
The parents receive calls frequently that their child was caught with this or with that, their child refuses to listen, and everything they are instructed to do is answered with one question, Why?
You call them and beg them just to do what they say, just go to that farbrengen, just take that test, just pay that knas, just don’t wear that skirt, just give them your phone. but every rule just leads to the same question, Why?
Now before I try to explain this, some may ask, why do I have this problem if I raised my children in a Chassidisher home? In regards to the child from the more “relaxed” home, it only makes sense that if you send your child to a school that teaches and expects certain values then when your child comes home and sees that many of the things he or she learned about is totally disregarded or never discussed in his or her home, then obviously there will be conflicting messages and your child will ultimately believe that all these things are just “school stuff” and when they get older they will disregard it.
But the other parent thinks, I raised my child in a strict Chassidisher home, where the ideas and values taught and expected in school are the same at home, and everything was with a smile, then why does my child have this problem? So firstly, conflicting messages can also arise when your child sees you doing something as simple as talking during davening, or saying something negative about someone else. But the main point is, that although the conflicting values is definitely a major aspect of the problem, there is something much deeper at play.
The Parable
Imagine there was a wealthy family, and for generations they passed down a heavy bag of stones from father to son that must be carried at all times, every generation did so happily with pride, after all it was only a small price to pay for the very comfortable and wealthy lifestyle they were able to live.
One day, the father decides it’s time to pass this great responsibility over to his child that he should have the honor to continue the family tradition of carrying this bag, the child is taught exactly how to hold it, when he should put it down when he shouldn’t, when to hold it to the right side and when to hold it on the left side and other important rules, till the day finally came when the child officially began his new job of holding this important family heirloom.
After a few weeks, the child started complaining, “why must I carry this heavy sack, let me do as I please!”
The father tells him that he must carry it, this is who he is and this was the tradition of his father and grandfather, going back generations.
The boy did not want to upset his father but deep inside he just didn’t want to continue living this way. One day, as the boy walked alone he reached the top of a hill, where he decided that he had enough and made the decision to leave the heavy bag there on the ground never to be seen again.
What his father hadn’t told him was that the bag didn’t contain just any stones, but diamonds and gold, and he was given the ultimate task of protecting his family’s wealth.
Friends, the reason our children aren’t happy with the system, the reason they feel trapped in the lifestyle they are being raised in is because they feel they are being forced to carry around a heavy bag of stones with rules and regulations.
No one ever bothered to explain to them the true contents of this bag.
The Lesson
That there is an eibishter who you can understand, and He created you for a reason. That you have something to accomplish in this world that no one else can, that Torah is true, that chassidus is true, that the Rebbe isn’t a historical figure, but the Rebbe understands you and through his teachings helps guide you through the process of living beyond your own self imposed limitations, reaching higher than what you could have ever imagined being capable of, as well as to see the truth in every possible situation in today’s modern world.
And, most importantly, that YOU MATTER and are infinitely important and necessary.
Over the last 70 years the Rebbe’s words truly reached every corner of the world with shluchim who inspire and teach millions on a daily basis, many wonderful books have been written in a number of languages by prominent scholars on the fundamental ideas of these teachings, and if someone were to walk into any Chabad house worldwide they will immediately be taught these ideas.
But unfortunately, the reason your child asks why about everything and has zero interest is because they never heard these words, not at home or in school. He or she looks at Yiddishkeit as a systematic culture based on limitations and rules, they lack belief in the foundation of Yiddishkeit and how it’s relevant to them – we were never taught that.
So obviously, if they grow up thinking they are being forced to carry a useless bag of stones, their question will be, “why?”
If we treat education as a series of “do’s” and “dont’s,” then the child’s Yiddishkeit becomes about doing what they want and not getting caught so they can please the school, so they won’t upset their parents – but to themselves it means nothing.
So he or she can pay a knas or receive another form of consequence, till they either drop out or get kicked out, but sadly the problem was never truly resolved at its core and will ultimately lead them to feel resentful towards Yiddishkeit.
And so, if they want to leave behind this (what to them feels like a) burden, the enormous fear of upsetting their parents, losing their friends and feeling alienated is too much for them to handle.
Education starts in the home. Therefore, we must ask ourselves, are we raising our children to live a certain way of life or are we raising our children into a culture?
Let’s take the time to teach our kids that the sack they hold contains diamonds and gold, tell your children about the beauty of Yiddishkeit, explain the existence of the eibishter in a way they can understand, and how much they matter to Him.
Teach them that they have a neshama and are here for a purpose. We must bring our children to the Ohel as often as possible and explain to them that the Rebbe lives through us and everything the Rebbe spoke about was said for us to understand, and to show us the world in a totally new way.
Teach them how we know the eibishter gave us the Torah and answer all their questions, and if you yourself aren’t sure don’t be afraid to ask someone before answering your child.
The Community’s Issue
Schools and Yeshivos must engrave these ideas into the children’s heads, not only in the form of learning inside but really explaining and translating the words into English in a way that the kids can grasp the ideas.
Yeshivos and schools, as well as communities in general, need more teachers and Mashpim who can speak about these fundamental ideas as well as be available to speak to our children one on one. If we never explain these things, is it really so surprising how many of our children turn to various podcasts and YouTubers (the modern day haskala movement) for teachings on everything from psychology to conservative values to atheism R”l? we must show our children how all true ideas stem from the source of all truth, Torah, and everything to know about what makes us who we are can be found in chassidus.
In conclusion, how can we allow a child to feel that it’s more important to his or her parents or educators what color their yarmulka is or what color their skirt is, then if they actually believe in or are internally happy with the ideas they were raised on?
What many might not know is that just because you see a girl dressed fully tznius and just because you see a bochur wearing his hat and jacket doesn’t mean that everything is okay on the inside. How can we sleep comfortably at night knowing that there is a child who thinks that the Rebbe’s teachings and Torah in general is a compilation of abstract and non-relevant ideas?
How can we rest knowing that there is a child who doesn’t believe in anything? And how can we rest knowing there’s a child who feels that there is no way out of his or her pain when they no longer have the tears to shed?
There will be those who say that you can’t expect children to understand these ideas, to which I say, firstly, children will understand if you explain it to them in ways they could, don’t underestimate the power of your words.
Secondly, if not now, then when? Every child is precious, every word makes a difference, and every second counts. A simple smile, though it may help, is just not enough. When we show our children that Yiddishkeit is the main purpose and most important part of our life, then they will sense the truth of our words and actions and will with the help of Hashem inspire them, as well as ourselves, to reveal the truth of who we really are and most importantly the ultimate truth, that this world, no matter how we may perceive it now, is truly a beautiful garden, not just any garden, but rather the personal garden of the Eibishter, and that we have the distinct privilege of being His gardeners, with the coming of Moshiach now.
I believe that our schools and yeshivos are doing a great job teaching the value of Yiddishkeit to our kids. Our Mosdos teach Chassidus, the Rebbe’s Sichos etc. Even the worst teacher can’t mess that up! The Rebbe’s messages of the beauty of Yiddishkeit get through to everyone. The real issue at hand is that while we’re 10 steps ahead of the world when it comes to purpose, meaning, mission etc. We are 10 steps behind the world when it comes to mental health, self esteem, emotional intelligence and emotional awareness. We think chassidus has all the answers, when there’s… Read more »
Chassidus is the manufacterer’s handbook of the neshama.
When used with the help of a proper mashpia it will work wonders…
I couldn’t disagree with you more. Do you personally know any mashpi’im? i do. they are usually regular people who are experienced only in dealing with peoples religious issues, not their mental health struggles.
also, the suggestion that chassidus solves all problems is remarkably naive. nobody believes that chaddidus can solve autims spectrum disorder. likewise, chassidus cant necessarily solve other issues like suicide
Chassidus doesnt “solve problems” . People can learn chassidus and then apply it to solve problems. Learning chassidus wont give you a cure for cancer or autism. But it can teach you how to act and react if you or someone you know is diagnosed. What learning Chassidus does is teach you about using your mind. How to be in control of your emotional and mental state. (What the article is talking about). Theres a famous story of Napoleon rushing R Moshe Meisels and telling him that he was a spy and then feeling his heart and finding that he wasnt… Read more »
Re: Mental health. Some kids have a temperament that chafes at obedience, which may approach ADHD-oppositional defiance sub type. Why are there no planson how to work with/educate non-compliant kids?? An I.E.P.-Individual Educational Plan should be offered to all parents of struggling kids. Secondly, some kids are naturally indifferent to abstract ideals, just like some people are tone deaf. We all need Si’yata Shamayim.
treat children with behavior and learning difficulties almost like the kids chose to be like that, offer very little support systems, and are very happy to ask the child to leave the school unless they magically change by themselves without much needed support
If your child is non compliant, then at any time you can self refer them to the board of ed and get them evaluated for something called “emotional disturbance” . If your child truly qualifies, he will get an iep and counseling. Do your homework and get a good counselour who will work with your child. Alternatively, see if your insinsurance covers counseling. Its very “in” these days. Theres only so much the school can do with so many kids in each class. Im sure your childs teacher has no idea what to do about the behaviour. Get your child… Read more »
I find the article to be 100% true.
You are also right about your point but try reading the article again to understand what he’s actually saying… if I ask you to prove the existence of G-D, why is Judaism/Chasidism not a cult, why does G-D care what we do, why create a world with Little pawns that need to follow his whims… would you be able to answer?? Please be honest with yourself..
I agree!! Wow! THANKS FOR PUTTING IT SO CLEARLY!
Actually I do have answers to your questions… You make it sound like there are no answers. There are answers, buddy. For starters, you can look up: The rational approach to the Divine origin of the Torah (video) 100 reasons why evolution is stupid (video) Many common questions are answered on stumptherabbi.org, and if not yet answered, ask your question there, they are constantly posting new content. I’ve found a lot of answers on chabad.org And of course, you can get answers by asking smart people. When I was a Zal Bochur I took the approach that there must be… Read more »
Good for you! So you can say this article doesn’t apply to you. Doesn’t take away from the fact that this rings true to a lot of our youth…
Maybe clinical things are one thing. But half of our issues wouldn’t even EXIST if actually learn chassidus etc (do what this bachur was saying would solve all of our issues). Imagine these bachurim or whoever actually originally felt a sense of mission, fulfillment and purpose (and much more btw)… these issues probably wouldn’t come up so quickly.
chassidus has the answers when someone is struggling with keeping the Torah and having a connection with Hashem. But if someone is struggling with life itself then that person needs to see a doctor or some other health professional. The solution should not be to try to turn every mechanech into a health professional…they will never be able to notice any problems which is why PARENTS have to make sure their kids are checked out by the people that will notice any issues.
Everything in a persons life is from hashem. Everything is in the hand of heaven except fear of heaven. Mental health issues connect to observance of torah and mitzvos too.
In two words kids need to “learn chassidus” . Not just ramble off tanya baal peh that they dont understand or never learn any maamorim besides baasi ligani and viateh titzaveh.
And Learn chassidus from teachers who live it!
Just because you never had any teachers who basked in Chassidus, doesn’t everyone else didn’t.
This was a much-needed article. please don’t stop and continue to make content on this topic. I think it’s very important.
Thanks so much for expressing the root of the problem. But will the parents/teachers do anything about, now that they know🤷♀️
Parents have to practice what they preach. They have to live by chassidic teachings not just preach. A child can go off just because it’s common sense- My parents/teachers don’t practice what they preach so why should i?
From a comment made from your bed. I teach sweat day in day out. Most teachers try to do this… we dont live in the 80s anymore..
But I’m a teacher myself – lol!children live by our example. we have a responsibility!If they misbehave and it comes to “haunt ” us later, we have no one to blame but ourselves!
Its very sad a kid can have perfect parents and then go through the education system – get molested or get abused in some other way and become suicidal Something needs to be done about our education system – there are solutions and we are committed to creating change. As chabad we gave gifts that the whole world wants- we can just cash it in and apply what we have. We are an example to three rest of the world – let’s just open up our own seforim and live it. We are good poeple – let’s just be true… Read more »
Many children are abused at home by friends and relatives. Those ‘perfect parents’ are very often not perfect, and sometimes quite far from it, despite how they appear in public. I speak from personal experience unfortunately.
and live Chasidus from parents that live it!
Is the rampant child abuse, and I’m talking about all kinds of abuse including physical and emotional child abuse which get little attention despite how widespread they are.
100% true. I believe almost All teens today can relate to this article and find truth in it. I personally do. I don’t want to blame or point fingers, but this article shows EXACTLY what the root cause is.. Yiddishkeit is often given over in a way about rules, do this, do that.. It’s no wonder that teenagers don’t want to do it. And most of them, it’s not because they want to be or trying to be rebellious. They are just simply unhappy. They aren’t bad. They are simply unhappy. Also, the neshamos of this generation are very special.… Read more »
Parents and educators should try not to push rules of yiddishkeit to teenagers. I personally needed some freedom and eventually found my connection to Hashem with a deeper meaning.
As a side note, I stopped daavening and got turned off after being graded a C in my high school report card in Tefillah. What message does a failure in Daavening send to a student? I cannot understand how a Lubavitch school can grade/judge a student’s connection to Hashem?
Any of my OTD or disenchanted frum friends who are just going through the motions have all stated that the most underlying issue for them leaving the community or faking it is abuse. All kinds from verbal to physical. I’m seriously lucky enough to have never experienced abuse, and its serious luck! As an adult, I learned how many classmates experienced abuse and it horrified me to know that this was going on in-home or in school and that I never knew. So when you look at the statistics I do count myself lucky. Yes, abuse happens everywhere but we… Read more »
There are many good comments made already, so I will just add that “the system” isn’t truly ready to accept the current realities, and that we still remain somewhat of a culture club, defined by externalities. The irony is that, “retail storefront Chabad” is just what the “insider system Chabad” needs. One day…
My thoughts exaclty!!!
Chassidiskeit isn’t a culture. The more depressed, sad and cold you are, doesn’t make you more chassidish. If you wear black and white doesn’t make you more frum. Practice what you preach, you’re kids learn after what they see not what you tell them. Don’t discuss politics ever, and definitely not in front of your kids. Dear Author, whoever you are, you beautifully composed the issues at hand, especially being so close to the issues as a bochur today. Use your gift to speak to those around you who are struggling with these issues, and encourage them to keep asking… Read more »
As R’ Manis says: “Religion is bad for you.” We don’t do Yiddishkeit because we need to but because we’re needed to. Hashem needs us to do our part in making this world a Dira, and only we can do our portion. This is Chassidus! It is very possible to translate Chassidus the wrong way. Look no further than the intro to Tanya. All I was told while going through Mesivta was that I don’t matter because of Bitul and Kabalos Ol, and that if i wasn’t perfect, i.e. keeping Seder, following dress code etc, i wasn’t good enough. Thank… Read more »
But one thing… it’s not that we dont have to follow seder, no kabalos ol, no rules etc. We have to have both. Naase and Nishma. One without the other is…
I say this all the time that specifically why we have an issue with our girls and tznius is that they don’t truly know why!!!!
Who hasn’t heard the WHYs of Tznius 100 times??
Taavos are taavos and logic can’t solve everything
I resonate with the deep care of this writer. There are many points that pull on the pintele yid, AND, I invite to consider this: in the example of the father passing down the wealth for his son to carry – I can slip past the mystery treasure that such examples typically focus on to not four year olds children, but healthy young men, young bucks in their prime – here now, what if the son takes a peek into the bag and recognizes what is called this treasure, and says I choose to live without this treasure … Just… Read more »
you write: “Just think, is that a tragedy or may that be the beginning of an empowered young man?”
If you point out that at our core, we all know the truth of Hashem being the only Truth (pintele Yid), then the word “empowered” should be replaced by “sadly confused and misguided”.
We are not empowered when we choose to go away from the way of the Torah, in whatever way that is. We are very very sadly “confused, misguided” or just don’t have the strength or stamina to do what is right.
I pointed out the pintele yid as an expression for context – yes, the writing of the article hits home because I understand the emotion within narrative, not to be confused with we all know “the truth”. Truth as I understand it, is that we all have a special and unique perspective designed in just this way. From there we are each pencils in the eyes of God. Empowered meaning, becoming stronger and more confident by taking control of his/her life, and claiming their rights. Should you see it another way then that’s the way it will appear to you… Read more »
not true there is much that is taught B”H and obviously more that can but please do not write “No one ever bothered to explain to them the true contents of this bag” There’s a reason why the Alter Rebbe did not want Napolean liberal environment is very destructive the world right now is a very liberal place and this is very detrimental to many even worse is the hours people spend on their phones or in front of a screen of any kind and this applies to adults just as much as the youth! all of this makes it… Read more »
Father gives the child the bag of stones, just like before. Child is curious, he opens the bag and…it’s actually just a bag of ordinary stones at least as far as he can understand. But he still lovingly cares for this bag of rocks, not because he understands what is so special about a bunch of rocks but because they are his FATHER’S stones, he loves his father, realizes that those stones must be very important to him…so because he wants to do anything that will make his father happy he gladly takes care of the bag of stones.
Dr Victor Frankel’s approach is very popular today in the fields of coaching and motivational teachings. It’s based on the premise that there’s a human need for meaning and purpose, to live for, in order to be happy and motivated… My understanding is that this is also the point of this article. When we have meaning and purpose, then most really serious psychological issues don’t develop to begin with. Also true that when there are issues, then we do need to deal with them and get the professional help that’s needed. Another point, many aren’t aware of, is that drugs… Read more »
One of the things politically conservative pundits like Dennis Prager, Andrew Klavan, and others are good at, are showing how values and thought processes lead to various outcomes. As an example, they show us the wisdom of the Founding Fathers of the USA, who wrote that our rights come from God and not from government. When rights come from God, government can’t take them from you (without trampling on your rights) but when right come from government, they can take them and then poof – your “right” never existed… All this shows the average citizen how important God is in… Read more »
we have overindulged our kids emotionally , havient given them coping skills , given them way too much , way too good a life and this is what we are left with !
kids that can’t cope with any disappointment , kids who expect everything easy which results in no purpose , no sense of accomplishment or direction .
They are too exposed too.
he wasnt talking about depression that comes from a different source and therefore needs a medical doctor. nor was he talking about the one that results from abuse. he was talking about the one that comes from this source. and why? because so often the suicide notes quote this source, not the intrinsic medical one, nor the other one.
I have a friend whose mother attended Beis Yaakov in Vienna. She told her that they learnt far less than today, but they knew it far better. Perhaps the pressure of hours of homework, tests and quantity over in-depth and a slightly less demanding and relaxed atmosphere is not helping. As a grandmother, I do not remember mental health being an issue in my youth, but could it be the food we are eating, the air we are breathing? So many cars on the road, far less exercise, obesity. I look at my old school photos compared to grandchildren’s and… Read more »
Years back we lived and breathed our connection to hashem. We had the rebbe giving fabrengens wand everything revolved around following what the rebbe taught. Everything was connected to yiddishkeit. Politics was discussed by the rebbe in line with torah and showing how hashem runs the world. That love of hashem and torah is lost on so many
Being that I’m a regular Bochur as well I couldn’t agree more with the author. I want to point out something that I feel we all struggle with the system in place today. Each boy or girl must feel that they are frum chassidishe Jews because they want to do it and it makes sense to them. Not because their parents are pressuring them or they are doing it because they are scared to leave.
Rabbi Dr Abraham Twerski
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10158683977879411&id=85884249410
True Points, however being that this article is in response to the issues of Suicide, I’m not sure that it is completely relevant. It’s possible that the concepts mentioned increases feelings of loss to have someone turn to suicide, but the actual causes are most likely due to clinical depression, or side effects etc… However I do agree with the concepts he mentions, As I am in my thirties and still struggle with it, now I have my own kids to raise, unfortunately I am not connected enough myself to hand over, I know Aleph so I try to teach… Read more »
As a bochur in zal this article hit deep but this this isn’t news, literally every farbrengen we have in yeshiva is about the issues mentioned in this article, but just because I have a device or am on social media or watch movies doesn’t mean I have no feelings towards yiddishkeit. Yes it’s a distraction yes it keeps you up at night yes it’s a problem almost every bochur has but that doesn’t mean I feel that yiddishkeit is a bunch of do’s and don’ts being forced on me, it doesn’t mean I’m just going through the motions, I… Read more »
A lot of these conversations are hurtful. The thing people people need most after air water food and proper temperature is respect. Please think speak and act toward and about all people with respect, as human beings with agency. This is especially important for people who are suffering emotionally as they most likely have been mistreated in the past, whether severe abuse or casually and ‘insignificantly’- like these conversations. Peace and love to all!