Thursday, 11 Adar II, 5784
  |  March 21, 2024

Why Is This Night More Painful…

From the COLlive Inbox: A single girl explains why spending the Pesach Seder night with her family is more painful than all other nights. Full Story

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Just saying
April 26, 2016 12:04 am

Why the idea that a young, religious Jewish woman might be in danger of being ‘written off’ marriage wise at the age of 27? Peculiar thinking nowadays when life expectancy is so much more than last century’s. Marrying too young can be a recipe for disaster quite often leading to an unhappy marriage, messy divorce, and disturbed children.

to #12!
April 25, 2016 8:14 pm

Those are the 2 hachlotos you suggest? Therein lies the problem. Instead of asking people to treat you with kid gloves, if you get 2 requests, make them count. Ask people to suggest shidduchim for you. Request #2 should be to follow through on those suggestions and arrange dates!
The focus needs to change if singles are to get married. As a once older single who is married, my advice is treat yourself with dignity, and be more open minded about who you date. You’ll get there!

many of us face pain
April 25, 2016 1:48 pm

like all people life sends us challenges. I remember very painful seders during my abusive marriage. And then pain when i was divorced with little children. I was in teribble pain but I had what to hold on to. I had to be happy for my kids. i lived for them. I lived for guests and other lonely people. And thats what saves me. Try looking out for others. Stop focusing on the pain. It disables you. Paralyzes you. Start visiting sick people, special children. That will save you.

story about the Alter Rebbe
April 25, 2016 4:21 am

There is a famous story about the Alter Rebbe, a chossid came to him saying his wife is sick and his business is doing poorly but he promised to make weddings for his orphaned nieces and now he doesn’t have the money, and more. The Alter Rebbe answered him, “You are talking about what you need, what about what you are needed for?”

to #57
April 22, 2016 7:10 pm

Alright Alright 57 after re-reading your words IL admit I can see the layered wisdom you carefully put in there, I see what your getting at, you genious! I think I changed my mind,and, um, well, I guess IL just go join them downstairs. You win, 57!

stop complaining
April 22, 2016 2:56 pm

maybe you need to something about it.

like get married.

or maybe younhave bad luck and life is not fair.

just be happy if nit now then when?

Happy Go Lucky Mom
April 22, 2016 5:31 am

Ye I agree with 57, exactly!! so what are you going to DO about it, just sit there and complain??? What are you going to gain???? Instead of BLAMING everybody else for your problems, why don’t you go DO something about it??? Why do you care if we speak about you???? Who cares??? Hey stop thinking your better then everybody else, okay! Your nothing more then an older girl who wants everybody to sympathize with you, go get a life! So don’t think your entitled to find the perfect guy, okay??? Nobody is perfect, and you have to learn to… Read more »

To the singles
April 22, 2016 12:28 am

As a parent who sits at the seder and watch my unmarried sons,let me tell you how I feel.My heart bleeds every time they get a no from a prospect.Before I even get the chance to do “research” I get the word that the prospect is not interested.I have to just try and be there for them and be strong and tell them that one day….You think I sit there at a seder and say all sorts of things to remind them?No,I bleed inside and just smile because every no hits me like a bullet.So don’t worry about the single… Read more »

to #68
April 21, 2016 8:55 pm

How bout you roll that young back in 😛

נצור לשונך מרע 😛

to #57, re the Vodka
April 21, 2016 8:45 pm

When an alcoholic cries for his Vodka, you G I V E him his Vodka. Or at least don’t use force to actively take it from him.

Who are you to think you know better then him what his needs are best for him?

The first step to helping another person is to put your expertise aside and show the capacity to respect the express wishes of another human.

דעלך סני לחברך לא תעביד

זו היא כל התורה כולה ואידך פירושה הוא

זיל גמור

to # 67
April 21, 2016 8:18 pm

I laughed! I thought she was hilarious! I think she also speaks up for al thosel other sorts of awkward family situations every one of us know so well – the parents adjusting to growing teens, the boys who come home from yeshivah being hazmanim, the pre-peisach aluminum foil stress, etc etc etc But your right, I hope she wasn’t serious… I wouldn’t either want to be surrounded by those kind of ‘family’ people! But hey Id welcome her to join the saider here with my family.. In fact I’d welcome her to be a part of our family anytime!… Read more »

April 21, 2016 4:18 pm

Best Wishes for a Kosher Happy Pessach. May this beautiful holiday that carries the message of FREEDOM give you a wonderful sense of happiness and well-being. What a joy to be able to celebrate our special holiday in harmony and peace. There are 3 important A’s to always keep in mind. One is Acceptance. This is the present situation-make the most of it. Enjoy the opportunity to celebrate in Freedom, no strings attached, no great responsibilities. This is a great way to enjoy the seder. Attitude is the next A. Life is always changing, just remember that every day is… Read more »

April 21, 2016 3:39 pm

Seriously? Why is that pain? How can you even compare the author’s loneliness to yours? You have been zoche to marry, raise a family, and marry off each child/watch them develop into fine adults who will soon be married. You will sit at the Seder with a loving husband who you now have a chance to conncect with, as your wonderful children are elsewhere fulfilling their shlichus. May I ask what pain you find in this abundance of blessings??? Are you one of those people who are so dependent on their kids that they can’t function or enjoy when their… Read more »

April 21, 2016 3:32 pm

Nice! thanks, will keep it in mind.

#55 you're awesome!!
April 21, 2016 3:30 pm

And thank you #40, I like seeing respect 🙂

to #52
April 21, 2016 3:29 pm

I cried when I read your post.

April 21, 2016 3:28 pm

Wowowow. Is everything alright with you? 😛

April 21, 2016 3:26 pm

#57 and 58…
Very strange.

To 44
April 21, 2016 12:46 pm

It is inappropriate for you to give advice on what to do and to pass it off as a Segualh nothing less.

Sometimes the advice has tonme from some one not so full of themselves

to number 58
April 21, 2016 12:42 pm

Are you seriously in this poor pity me let me drown in my sorrow upstairs????You are only hurting yourself.If you that deep in a depressive mode, speak to someone.Professional or not but to someone.I see you are in deep pain and hurting but isolating yourself and being angry at the world will not get you the help you need.We all need help in life.You are drawing even more attention to your misery by isolating yourself and what are you accomplishing in terms of soothing yourself?You must get help.If I were your friend or parent I would encourage you to process… Read more »

April 21, 2016 10:44 am

Been there done that….can totally relate. No body can discount your pain and no matter how loving your family is, they can not relate. But do take comfort that having a family does relieve some pain. Pesach was one of my worst holidays (in fact every holiday was hard for me) and I looked to escape CH at every moment. Your family may not understand you but you need to do what’s best for you. And may you have your personal redemption asap

to #52
April 21, 2016 9:33 am

You’ll just take a zroya from the fridge downstairs?
What about the other items for the seder?
Will you also be helping yourself from your mother’s, sister’s, father’s etc.’s hard work and just have your own seder upstairs? Or will you be helping downstairs with all the preparations and then just take what you need for upstairs?

To Number 8
April 21, 2016 6:05 am

ROCK ON and well spoken!
If you are a single woman hit me up…

Who's the shadchan?
April 21, 2016 3:52 am

I don’t in any way mean to hurt anybody with this post! People often have this misconception that the perfect other will appear and take them to the land of everlasting goodness, that’s possible in movies but in real life we as humans aren’t even close to perfect and so if we wait for the ‘perfect’ one we will stay single forever, we need to open up to more options otherwise your marital status will remain at ‘single’ if we Learn to accept one other for who we are and not for what we are things would look different, best… Read more »

to #57
April 21, 2016 3:51 am

Thank you do much for your deeply compassionate philosophy on life. But sorry nice try to get me to come downstairs to the seider. Enjoy your wine, and when they ask “so did you get her to come downstairs?” You can just repeat the entire blaber you just told me and tell it over to them. Don’t get too drunk, close the door behind you and get lost.

single or married
April 21, 2016 12:13 am

if I say I’m in pain, then I’m in pain. But if my pain is psychological, resulting from not having what others have, or from not having what I want or think I should have, or what I think I need, I do have the choice to reframe my perspective and not be in pain. And if I publicize my pain, this pain, and I get in response not only empathy and support and coddling, but also people who try to help me deal with my pain by offering a different perspective, then I might benefit from welcoming all genuine… Read more »

Austin Chabad
April 20, 2016 8:44 pm

Wonderful idea!!! How can we arrange #42?

To Laugh or to Weep....???
April 20, 2016 7:49 pm

I was single until 30. I was extremely happy those years and when i went to gatherings with friends, they didn’t know what to do with me because i “should” be sad, yet i was genuinely happy…
“Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone”.

April 20, 2016 7:33 pm

maybe u should go out with the author of the article

Chasidisher Girl who learns Likutei Sichos
April 20, 2016 7:21 pm

To number 18

According to the sicha, one cannot truely experience true personal chairus until his tzibur first enables that chayrus. See the sicha

To number 4
April 20, 2016 7:15 pm

Your words are so similar to those of my mother and younger brother. After much thought, given what you older people say, usually when I’m not around – today two days before Pesach I have come to the decision not to join my ‘family’ for the saider. The stores should be open late tonight so I will get myself my own two boxes of CHK matza, wine, paper goods, and I will just do the mitzvah achilas matza upstairs in my bedroom apart from my ‘loving’ family. IL just take a zroya from the fridge downstairs. Yes I know IL… Read more »

Chag Sameach
April 20, 2016 6:18 pm

I’m a divorced single enjoying my quite time whilst it lasts and confident the right one will show up soon iyh.. hopefully:) In the meantime I travel to exotic places for pesach. Find me there!

To 34 and 40
April 20, 2016 6:08 pm

Find something better to do…
Work on yourselves

to #42
April 20, 2016 6:06 pm

Sounds like a good idea to me! 🙂

Single Guy
April 20, 2016 5:42 pm

Here’s how I handle my “concerned” little sister in-laws (and their husbands). I make it clear before every bris that before rushing to give out kibuddim to Tom Dick and Harry, their fourth lost cousin, and to the sitrah achrah, I will make a big tumul they must give the kibbud to ME. תתנו לי, לשמי. kibud av לרבות אחיך ה ג ד ו ל. If there’s a kibud cooking somewhere, you make sure to give that kovoyd to ME. Now of course alibah der emes I don’t care for the ‘deeply concerned’ late night discussions about me that take… Read more »

to #33
April 20, 2016 5:15 pm

Why don’t you leave your name so I know that your not an Advertising Mailing List Company

to #34
April 20, 2016 5:12 pm

How old are you?

Grow up.

Savta speaks
April 20, 2016 4:53 pm

Three cheers to you for ypur courage to write and your healthy, constructive attitude! I didn’t get married until 31 and know your pain. It’s a unique pain: you’re young, energetic, enthusiastic — you want to find your soulmate and start building your binyan adei ad, and there’s no soulmate in sight. The angst and suffering can’t be described. Fortunately, the cure is also unique: within days or weeks, that special person can walk right into your life. (Even childless couples have to wait 9 months.) May your wonderful dream come true immediately! Then you will be forever grateful to… Read more »

Segulah to Find Sidduch
April 20, 2016 4:07 pm

Thank Hashem 30 minutes a day for this problem for 40 days and tell him Thank you loving father that I am not complete, Thank you for the pain of being single, Thank you for my tears , thank you because there is only gladness and strength in your place and you love me like nobody else, thank you for loving me so much despite my limited understanding, thank you because you have already my match predestined to correct my soul and grow and give you gratification , thank you ( Literally rejoice ) that my friends are happy, (… Read more »

empty nesters
April 20, 2016 3:36 pm

hey , there is another kind of pain and loneliness. for the first time ever it will be just me and my husband at our tish..all of our kids are elsewhere worldwide. at first, I was despondent, and now quite frankly, I am looking forward to it. not into having quests and making small talk or having to give over and perform, when all you really want to do, is finish up the meal, snuggle with a good book and go to bed. all of this is OK, more than OK

So True
April 20, 2016 2:37 pm

This letter is right on the spot. This is very true for single boys (men) also. It’s a very delicate situations and most of the time friends and family don’t mean any harm with their comments but it hurts the single person all the same.
How about a non official hakhel gathering for all the singles, 25 and over, that are in Crown Heights for Pesach? Separate seating, one or two speeches and then let the attendies introduce themselves?
Any other ideas to help the situation???

Don not generalize
April 20, 2016 1:52 pm

To # 10- If something is painful to someone, something is painful to someone. It is not up to someone else to tell them where they will feel more pain, less pain, what SHOULD be joyful, and so on. Each person themselves can know who and what to be with and feel. So if the single person wants to avoid their particular pain, and being with another group is their choice, who are we to impose our own “take” on it ? “Walk a mile in their shoes, and maybe remove our own shoes for a moment.

To #22
April 20, 2016 1:27 pm

That’s Rabbi Manis

been there
April 20, 2016 1:20 pm

unfortunately i have had the same experience as well for some time. yes, pesach is when you feel it and pains you most. i had a hard time sitting by all the meals on pesach (sometimes i would escape to my room during the meals) and guess what? one year after going through this i was sitting at the seder table with my spouse. (and now im cleaning up non stop grape juice spills from my children during the seder) chin up! you will get there!

Thank you for expressing our discomfort!!!
April 20, 2016 1:20 pm

And for not stopping there, but trying to get above pain, for everyone else. Those are heroic thoughts. You truly helped me take my decision process on this more seriously. -Almost 26, Yitzi K. Thank you COLive. Yechi Hamelech!

to #4
April 20, 2016 1:09 pm

I am saddened by your insensitive words

Single Guy
April 20, 2016 11:30 am

Hi, I’m a single guy in my low 30’s , I have the same feelings. I just want to hide and curl up and wake up after yom tov. It’s just so hard to even be in shul on yom tov and see all my friends with their families year after year, yom tov after yom tov. It’s a feeling that I don’t think anyone not in the same situation can feel.

April 20, 2016 9:41 am

Unfortunately we are in Golus. As a middle aged woman I see how everyone has their challenges. No one wants to hear it but yes whether we’re aware of it or as is often the case not aware of others struggles we all have them. I often hear people trying to be nice to others and innocently asking about the family ….. without realizing that there is pain in that area. You can’t expect people to know what you feel like if they haven’t experienced it because they really can’t . Just know that those who seem to be having… Read more »

Single GIRL?
April 20, 2016 9:37 am

She’s 27 years-old. She is a WOMAN!

For a shadchon
April 20, 2016 9:30 am

For a shadchon, please email Shadchon@gmail.com

A Kosher un freilichen Pesach

April 20, 2016 9:14 am

I totally can relate to it…
Married early. But no children for a few years already… And the pain is really the same..
And for the comments “there is more painful”… Sorry but you are so selfish to say that.
The author never tried to put down your pain. Don’t do so with her.
Dear author… You are strong. You have the right perspective. It is hard. I understand you…
The only thing I can wish you is a real redemption this year !!!!

Thank you for sharing
April 20, 2016 6:36 am

It always feels like everyone else has the perfect family situation… its nice to sometimes open up to the issues we all face with our families in one way or another. Be it an unmarried sibling, or one that is less frum, or a disengaged parent, or illness r”l. Its not fun to discuss but at least it makes us feel that someone else understands the pain…
May Hashem grant us all blessing and take away any tzoros in our families!!!

Your words are precious...
April 20, 2016 6:29 am

How lucky is the guy that will merit a girl who (while having experienced this challenge) is so honestly and deeply reflective!
If only all of us – (including #4) could learn from your genuine care, sensitivity, and true understanding….
May you be zoche to your true match and the greatest simcha with Moshiach as Mesader Kiddushin NOW!
Bsuros Toivos,
T.H. Israel

To 20
April 20, 2016 4:57 am

To say “Don’t be sad because others have it worse” is to say “Why be so happy others have it much better.”
Emotional pain is not measurable.

Different perspective
April 20, 2016 4:34 am

B”H I was single with only one other girl in my class single , I never felt sad B”H. I knew Hashem had a wonderful Husband For me that would come at the right time .i trusted that Hasjem will bring me the right one in theriggt time. Knowing that I so enjoyed helping my parents being a greT older siste, aunt … I had time to help others . Friends and family always happy when I would. Be around I had posative energy loved helping with their kids and was able to give that extra helping hand . So… Read more »

There is hope!!
April 20, 2016 3:55 am

I was 26 and sitting by the Seder, tears streaming down my face, my family didn’t know what to do with me!!! I got engaged at 27, married at 28. Don’t despair and dont listen to other commenters saying that you need perspective etc, there are so many tzoros in life, but being single is just something you have to have experienced to understand. It is sooooo difficult. You worry that you never will get to experience marriage, children etc. I found what helped me, even though this is hard to do, was positivie thinking, hoping and knowing in my… Read more »

29 was my magic number
April 20, 2016 2:51 am

All those single pesachs were pretty hard . I stopped going to my family in the later years because I couldn’t handle being around everyone else married with their children , and me in my same old state

dont talk, do
April 20, 2016 2:42 am

That’s what the Rebbe would say and the Friediche Rebbe said that Hashem blesses what we DO. So don’t be with your family if it is painful, rather go and help the shluchim all over the world or in your own community. Babysit for THEM. Let THEM say we must find you someone etc. and get tremendous hiskashrus into the bargain. Not to mention the GIVING you will be doing by talking to the mekuravim. Move and keep moving, don’t meditate, don’t contemplate, don’t mope, don’t give yourself time to think. The Alte Rebbe says to push the negative thoughts… Read more »

to 20
April 19, 2016 11:51 pm

i was going to comment the same. yes the author is taling about this pain as if this is a unique unbearable suffering. well hello, there is unfortunately tons of tosoros going on, lo oleinu. Being divorced with several young children is another disease spreading and extremely unbearable!!! and then in a good marriage others are struggling coping with a crying baby day and night, very very hard when you have no strength, many sholom bayis issues, so not so rosy after all for all those married out there either, so to pick out a tsoro and elaborate, ok, it… Read more »

to 20
April 19, 2016 11:13 pm

When did the author imply otherwise? I’m sure she is aware of that.

As Manis says
April 19, 2016 10:57 pm

The fact that you are hurting and it’s hard is for good reason, it means your healthy…YOUR NORMAL
If it was not hard then you would never want to get married in the first place(this pain is what drives someone and causes them to get married ) so use this energy to empower yourself positively and may we only share good news!
And remember your normal and there’s nothing wrong with you!
Mazel Tov in advance

April 19, 2016 10:51 pm

hey, at least you have family. some of us are single with no family

April 19, 2016 10:43 pm

hope everyone finds their shiduch soon. But the author needs a little perspective. unfortunately there are many things in life that are alot more painful then being single

So Inspiring!
April 19, 2016 10:35 pm

Even if you are not single, this is such an important life lesson for everyone who has challenges – are you gonna let the pain and challenge take over you ? Or are you gonna free yourself of this internal Galus, and let yourself just “fly like a balloon” – let Hashem catch you as you go along. It takes a lot of guts, but you will be able to continue and you will become much stronger as a result – rather than letting yourself be a slave to your sorrow and pain. In the end Hashem runs the world,… Read more »

Beautiful Article!
April 19, 2016 10:29 pm

So well – written and to the point!
And like you said – may we all have our own personal redemptions – whether it be physically, spiritually, or emotionally – and ultimately with the coming of MOSHIACH NOW, when כל דכפין ודצריך יתיי ויכול will transform into דארע דישראל…לשנה הבא בני חורין – when we will truly be able to taste freedom, personally and as a whole Jewish nation.
Chag Kasher V’sameiach!!

to #6
April 19, 2016 10:22 pm

I like the way u responded to #4- you “fought fire with water”, responding with nice words in a respectful tone- as opposed to “fighting fire with fire” which would probably rile the commentor up and not be very effective.

@ 7
April 19, 2016 10:16 pm

thats actually funny!
But um I hope u aren’t serious.

April 19, 2016 9:47 pm

Thanks for making me more sensitive to my single friends’ plights, adding awareness to what they undergo. You single girls are an understated, under-recognized group of shining individuals!

Stunning article
April 19, 2016 9:45 pm

A talented writer, her genuine feelings and inspiring/courageous idea all gathered to form a stunning masterpeice. I showed it to my husband and my sisters! 🙂

April 19, 2016 9:36 pm

You’re authentic sharing is courageous and inspiring.

single and looking
April 19, 2016 9:34 pm

Thank you for opening up about this topic. I am a girl who nobody would ever realize feels this way as I go home every year and am a great part of my familys yomtov. So it’s good to know that Im not alone. I think #6 put it best: we are constantly defined by our status, or lack of it. If youre looking to make a hachlota this Pesach I ask you to think of two points: a. Be aware of how you look and judge us singles, we feel it and to even the most emotionally balanced of… Read more »

Great post
April 19, 2016 9:18 pm

Love the don’t let pain keep me down attitude!
Thanks for sharing!

Missing the point?
April 19, 2016 9:14 pm

Sitting with other singles would not make you feel better. It just emphasizes the situation and probably would add to depression seeing how many others are in the same plight. Being with family should be a wonderful experience. Yes, family members do suffer seeing their child/sibling not married yet and knowing you suffer. They DO feel your pain. They do understand the emptiness. that is why they give brachos and make sometimes inappropriate comments (because they dont always know what to say). But the pain is felt by everyone in the family and honestly your family is usually a good… Read more »

Beautiful article
April 19, 2016 9:13 pm

An amazing message! Thank you for sharing and writing so beautifully. May you be blessed with revealed good.

To #4
April 19, 2016 9:13 pm

Your post is a classic example of why this saying was created. “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing! . Someone just opened up and shared her feelings, making herself vulnerable, probably with the hope of helping others, and you felt compelled to bash her. My guess would be that you married early and never experienced this particular pain. Or possibly any other discomfort. B”H for you. People suffer. Usually through no fault of their own. Don’t add to their suffering by making it about you. If it bothers you so much to interact with your older single… Read more »

we need moshiach
April 19, 2016 9:07 pm

many meforshim say that if a women is unable to find a match, a married man can marry another women! I’m not giving any suggestions, I’m just giving advice 🙂
never say that you are out of options because frankly, every jewish man is a possible match for you.

To #4
April 19, 2016 9:06 pm

I think what the main issue is that older singles are not considered to be people anymore, to no fault of their own.
Wouldn’t that annoy you, if you were solely defined by your lack of a spouse?

April 19, 2016 9:04 pm

Ye well get over it. In 10 years it will be the norm to be single at high 30’s and 40’s go on with your life “when someone’s arms are full with bread they will never understand someon who’s got none” eventually you will program yourself that anyone else’s ways of life and their coments or looks will not effect your mind or psyc.

Same Complaints
April 19, 2016 8:51 pm

All older singles have the same, contradictory complaints. “Don’t mention my singlehood when we’re having a normal conversation”- and yet ” how dare she prattle on about her family and not acknowledge my pain.” “Talk to me like a normal friend without always bringing up shidduchim,”and yet “How dare she not think of me and offer shidduchim! “Don’t say “im yirtzeh hashem by you” by my brother’s wedding,” and yet “Why were they acting as if they don’t care about my single status at my brother’s wedding”… It’s all contradictory, and frankly, I think everyone will hurt you older singles… Read more »

April 19, 2016 8:51 pm

Thank you for sharing! Wishing you lots of clarity in life! Hatzlacha!

So strong
April 19, 2016 8:40 pm

You are strong and courageous, to ensure that you overpower the pain and join your family! With my mother’s biting comments , as if it’s my fault I’m not married, and my brothers’ pitying looks, I don’t know if I’m going to join my family’s seder this year. But you’ve given me food for thought, and inspiration- and most importantly, made me feel understood! It’s so much better than feeling alone. Thanks and may we all soon have good news to share!

i hear you loud and clear
April 19, 2016 8:33 pm

haven been there in the past, i totally understand you.
hope u can still manage to have a little nice yomtov
thinking of you and all my other single friends.